May 28, 2023

The cancer journey is a funny one and by funny I mean, not at all funny.  There is so much involved in the journey that you have zero control of, which makes a lot of it difficult to understand, much less accept.  I’ve spoken to many of my Warrior Sisters and have found that none of our journeys are the same.  None of the emotions are the same.  None of the battles are the same and because of this, the path back to “reclaiming your life” is not the same either. 

I have found that some of my Warrior Sisters may never make their way back to the people they were and that is understandable.  There are some ladies (and men) that for whatever reason choose to stay in the dark place that is filled with fear and uncertainly.  These folks spent a lot, if not all, of their remaining lives looking over their shoulder(s) waiting and watching for the cancer to come back.  Then there are others that walk through the battlefield and when they make it to the other side they keep on walking, never looking over their shoulders to see the bloody battlefield behind them.  These ladies (and men) are incredible and admirable.  I’ve spoken to many of them and one thing they all have in common is that they firmly believe that their cancer journey was just a small blip in their lives and after they completed the journey it was time to just continue forward to the rest of their lives.  Then there are others that live somewhere in-between these worlds, somewhere in the abyss, they aren’t looking behind them every moment, but they do spend time glancing backwards, often reflecting on what they have been through, and then turning around again, facing forward as they continue walking down the road of life.  

Knowing this and seeing that the journey is different for all of us, I’ve taken some time to look at where I am in my journey, and I believe that I am one of those that is somewhere in between.  I knew from the moment of diagnosis that “cancer would not define my life or me” and I believe that I have honored that.  I also knew that my diagnosis was a “path that I had to take” because there were “lessons” on this road that I needed to learn.  I knew that there were changes that I needed to make in my life to improve my life.  I knew that God had a reason for bringing me on this path and that I needed to embrace the lessons, learn about myself, find my boundaries, heal my soul, and on the other side of the journey I knew that I would walk a bit taller and that my heart would be bigger, cleaner.  I knew that my head would be clearer and that my voice would be louder (as if?).  I knew that God had a reason for bringing me to the journey in my life and I knew that I was not alone on the journey or the walk.  I knew that each step would reveal something about myself that I needed to learn, to embrace, and to take forward for the next chapter in my life.

For me, the cancer journey has shown me so many important lessons that for some reason, I couldn’t learn without taking the hard road that cancer paved for me.  What I have learned and what I am so grateful to bring into my next chapter is this.  I’ve learned that it’s okay, in fact, it’s important and not selfish to set clear boundaries for yourself.  It’s okay to remove toxic people from your life.  In fact, it’s important, and often a life-saving exercise.  In fact, what I learned is that I gave my powers away to those people.  I allowed them to manipulate my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, when they had no control at all until I gave it to them.   By working through these feelings and emotions, my heart is cleaner, and my head is clear on what I will allow, or not allow going forward.  Now don’t get me wrong, you can still love a toxic person in your life, we all have them, but you don’t have to give them power or validity over your life, thoughts, feelings, or emotions.  What a lesson this has been! 

I also learned to give myself Grace.  I gave myself Grace on the days that I was too tired, too sick, too weak, too whatever, to move forward.  I learned to take care of myself first and everyone else second.  I call this lesson the “airplane mask lesson”.  It’s true, you can’t help anyone else until you help yourself first.  When your cup is empty there is nothing you can provide to anyone else – even yourself.  So learn to give yourself grace.  I’ve said it before, and I will say it again – you DESERVE it.  You are WORTH it.

I learned that I am not in control of anything.  NOTHING.  God is in control of everything that happens in my life.  I understand that not everyone has the same belief or faith that I have, and that’s okay.  Wherever you are in your walk and your journey, just know that you are not alone.  I knew in the darkest moments, I was being protected and covered by prayers from others, by my faith, and by the Grace of God.  Resonate on that a bit, I know that I have.

I experienced what true “unconditional” love is.  Mano and I experienced a whole new level to our relationship that we never knew existed, and trust me, we’ve had two marriages each before this one.  Yes, we both had been through some challenging times in our previous relationships but nothing like what we walked through together from November of 2019 to October 2022.  We’ve experienced a whole new level of our relationship that we would’ve never experienced without being on this journey together.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been through some crazy, hard stuff in our 13 years together, but nothing like what we experienced in the two years since we were both diagnosed with cancer.  I’ve always known that Mano is my forever person, but today I know that we can weather any storm together.  We have a deeper, more meaningful love than we had before.  It’s strange to say, but I’m glad that we went through this journey together because we have been blessed to know what true unconditional love is. 

I learned that what I look like on the outside doesn’t always match what I felt like on the inside.  This is a biggie, y’all.  When I lost my hair, my eye lashes, nasal hair, and my eyebrows, I was not phased or upset by it like some are.  I knew that it was “only hair” and that it would “grow back.”  What I experienced was that I had an image of myself, and through the whole journey with no hair, in my mind I still looked like that but when I looked in a mirror, I was often surprised by the person that was staring back at me.  Sometimes I thought, “Who in the heck is that?” or “Where did I go?”.  I knew that my inside person was going through a transformational growth, as much, if not more than the outside person was going through.  I wondered what I was going to look like when my hair started coming back.  I wondered how I would feel and what I would decide to do when that happened and for the most part, I decided to embrace each part of that journey as well, and just see what lessons that would bring me.  I embraced the short hair, I embraced the gray, I embraced the craziness of not being able to style my hair, I embraced all of it, yet, I still did not look like myself, even though I felt like the new improved version of me, so I decided that it was time to reclaim myself.

I started looking around for organic and natural hair colors and I decided upon trying the Madison Reed brand for the “Reclaiming Tracy” reveal.  I decided on two colors, a red (here) and a light brown (here) and I contacted a hairdresser friend who was willing to use the color I provided and get rid of the crazy gray locks.  I knew that I wanted a different hairstyle than the long hair I had previously worn in the past, because after all, I am a new version of myself.  After prayer and research, I am excited to share the New and improved version of me.  For the first time in almost two years, I can now look in the mirror and see Tracy looking back at me. 

I must share, after I colored my hair back, I received this beautiful text from one of my neighbors and dearest friends which said: 

“I just have to say . . .

when you lost your hair, you were able to say, “it’s just hair”. 

When it came back different, you were able to say, “it’s just hair”.

When you got your hair done yesterday, you were able to say, “it’s just hair”.

But it’s not!!! 

It makes your eyes sparkle! 

Your skin look amazing!

And your smile bigger! 

And for someone that was KNOWN for amazing hair, it’s more than “just hair.” 

You look amazing!!!

It’s like the exclamation point on your recovery!!!

Love you sooooo much!!

This text not only warmed my heart in a way that you can’t even imagine, but I also thought that it summed my journey up in one text.  I may have thought that it was “just hair” however what I found out is that it was much more than “just hair”.  It’s the lessons I’ve learned, the battles I’ve won, the love and understanding I’ve found, the boundaries I’ve laid and the life that I have lived.  It’s my journey, it’s my story and it’s been all about finding my voice.

Trust in your journey, whatever it is.

Trust in your instincts, whatever they say.

Trust in your faith, whatever that is.

Trust in your friends, whoever they are.

Trust that you are where you are supposed to be, wherever you are at.

Xo,

Tracy

SIDE NOTE:  I do not receive any funds from Madison Reed for recommending this hair color.  I can share a referral code, if you are interested in ordering for yourself.  If you decide to order, you will receive $15 off your order and I will receive $15 off my next order.  The way I see it, it’s a win-win for us both.  I think you will be as pleased as I am with the outcome.  Find my discount link here.