Mother’s Day – May 14^th, 2023

I am always conflicted as this day approaches because of how I feel and what should I share with the outside world, however, this year I have decided that I am tired of being “politically correct” or that I should not speak the truth that so many of us “Non-biological” Mama’s have lived through on our “Motherhood journey”. So today I am going to speak my truth, from my lens, despite the input from those who don’t understand or agree – and I am totally okay with that and I hope you are too.

Every year for the past 13+ years, I have dreaded Mother’s Day.  I was told that I was NOT the “Mother” of the two boys that I was raising every day.  I was told that I was not the person who provided them all the things that “Mothers” provide to their children – comfort, guidance, peace, etc.  I was shamed by those who felt that because I did not give birth to my boys naturally that I had no right to “claim or say” I was their mother, and for the record, I never have made that claim.  My boys have always known that I am their stepmother. 

The hardest part for me over the years with this holiday is that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, makes Mother’s Day out to  be such a big deal for the biological Mother’s and that as a step-parent, or a single parent playing the role of mother and father, or if you are the grandparent raising your grandchild, or an aunt or uncle, or a foster parent, etc. then you aren’t relevant enough to be included for the fun filled events for the day, or an amazing brunch, or even a fabulous flower display because you were not the one who gave birth to that child.  Well, I am here to tell you differently.  Giving birth is the easy part.  Showing up every day is the hard part and I know a lot of women (and men) who have shown up every single day but were not part of the biological making of that child.  These are the real heroes and I want you to know that you ARE seen, you ARE recognized, and that you ARE enough.  Please know that whatever role you’ve played in any child’s life, whether family or not, you MATTER and I SEE you!  I recognize all that you have done and continue to do even if others don’t.

For many, Mother’s Day is a hard day.  There are children out there whose mothers have passed away.  There are children out there whose biological parent is not present, for whatever reason, thus making today a very hard day for some of us to face.  For example, this year, Mother’s Day is going to be very hard for my husband and his sister because of the loss of their mother just days ago, and no matter what any of us does or says when they wake-up today they will feel the loss that starts the year of firsts for them.  The first Mother’s Day without Yia Yia here.  They will no longer have an ‘active’ way to honor their mother with a lunch, a dinner, or even a cup of coffee, today will never feel or be the same.  

Then there are others, who are like me, women who stepped up to the plate, despite all the negative that was thrown at them, and made sure that these “kiddos” made it to school each day, did their homework, went to the doctor, disciplined them, loved them, fought for them, or any other part of the hard work that comes with raising a child.  I can tell you that we didn’t just show up for the “fun” events like the awards banquets and choir events, we have been the parent figure who put them on the bus, and talked to the guidance counselors or doctors, we stayed up all night long nursing our sick kids, we’ve taught them right from wrong, etc.  The list of things we have sacrificed and done for these “non-biological” children is endless.  My point is that we, the “non-birthing mothers,” showed up and did whatever needed to be done for those kiddos because that is what we were called to do. 

I have always felt we should be honored for that, but instead we are not.  We are the ones, who have over the years, taken our “non-biological children” and made sure they had a card, a flower, a gift or whatever, for the person who gave birth to them.  We never asked to be called out on this day, in fact, often, we have stood in the shadows and been chastised and made to feel ashamed for expecting any recognition at all.  We have taken the backseat more times than we should have, but the truly sad thing is that the shame should be on anyone who judges any person who did not give birth to that child, but still showed up.  Those individuals have never and will never recognize our value.  Jesus, please take the wheel.

For those who don’t know, Mother’s Day is a court ordered holiday to the biological mother, just as Father’s Day is a court ordered holiday for the biological father, which is awesome.  However, it’s a shame that our society has not come up with a day for the “Bonus Parents” who stepped up to the plate and helped in raising these “non-biological” children.  Whether they are your stepchildren, neighborhood kids, house sitting kids, nieces, and nephews, or whoever, if you were, or are, a part of their story then you deserve to be recognized, loved, and honored for your role.  Trust me when I say that NONE OF US, made it to adulthood with only the support of our parents.  We needed support and love from our teachers, our extended families, our neighbors, friends, and church families, etc. whomever your tribe is they are a part of your journey.

In closing, I want to say, that I spent many, and I mean MANY, years holding onto the pain and sadness because I was not recognized for the “part” I played in my stepchildren’s lives and for those like me, I know that you’ve experienced some of the same.  If you have actively participated in raising your (fill in your blank here) niece or nephew, stepchildren, Godchildren, grandchild, great grandchild, neighborhood kid, etc. I want you to know that I SEE you, and I FEEL you.  I understand how you feel and recognize your pain.   Please know that you don’t need anyone to validate WHO YOU ARE, or WHO YOU HAVE BEEN to someone else.  HONOR YOURSELF – by showing up like you always have.  Please know that God blesses you every single day. 

For anyone who has played an instrumental role in any child’s life, your child, or someone else’s, you are AMAZING, you are LOVED, and you DESERVE to be appreciated for your role.  You have made a difference.  I promise you have, and I love you for it!  Together we will stand in recognizing ourselves, even when no one else will.  Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day is your day.  Stand with me and love yourself.  Continue to do that for you, and don’t let anyone take your joy away from you. Today is your day so Happy Non-biological Mother’s Day to you.  Any kiddo that has been blessed to have you in their lives are blessed by you, their Bonus Mom.  And for any of you, like my husband and his sister, missing your mother today, please know that I feel your pain today and I will be covering you today.  I pray that through the loss and pain you will find joy in the memories you carry with you today and always.  Wherever you are today, I am there with you.

Xo,
Tracy