April 23, 2023

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and what exactly is time for us and what does it mean?  Does time offer us joy or bring us pain?  Do we really live in the moment, or do we just focus our energy on anticipating what is next instead and avoiding what will cause us pain?

I’ve decided that time can be your friend, or it can be your foe.  Time is a paradigm that when you are anticipating something wonderful, and fun, it fills your heart with excitement and joy.  Think about a pregnant and expectant mother and how exciting a time it is for her and her family, anticipating the arrival of that new baby.  Think about a time that you were going on your dream vacation, say to Hawaii or someplace else that you’ve always dreamed of going, and how excited you are to get on that plane and get there.  Think of all the other moments in our lives that we have that fill us with excitement:  births, weddings, graduations, vacations, engagements, a new home, a new car, a new boat, a new job, etc.  There are so many of these amazing moments that fill our lives with joy, and then there is the opposite of that.  There are moments where time is not our friend, but a thief that comes to steal our joy.  For me, some of those moments were the moments where I was waiting to get the call to hear if my best friend, mother, father was diagnosed with cancer or not, getting the call that my grandmother, sister-in-law, friend(s), etc. had passed unexpectedly or expectedly.  Getting the news that Mano had been diagnosed with cancer, getting the news that I was diagnosed with cancer, allowing our children to make decisions that we believe are not good for them, knowing that a friend was making bad decisions for themselves, etc.  This list is also long, and the feelings associated with these moments are hurtful and fill us with pain.  They are uncomfortable and yet they are necessary moments to have in our lives and for all of us, they are unavoidable.

Since my cancer diagnosis I’ve really tried to work hard on living in the moment and focusing on enjoying the time that I have the moment that I’m in, even if that moment is painful and hard.  I’ve learned that the hard moments, the painful moments, are as important as the joyful and happy moments.  Without the hard moments, we don’t grow, we don’t change.  Without the hard moments, we would not appreciate the happy and joyful moments.  Without feeling the pain, we would never understand the pleasure.  It’s the true meaning of the Yin and the Yang, male and female, positive and negative, the good and the bad, even heaven and hell.  One definition of time, if used as a noun states:  the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.  Just stop and think about that for a second – time is regarded as a whole, regardless of what is happening during that time. 

At this moment, we are experiencing the joy and anticipation that time provides when waiting for something exciting.  Mano and I have finalized our “Forever Home” plans and are moving forward with beginning the building process.  To say we are excited is an understatement and yes, at the same time, we are also sitting with Mano’s mother, Yia Yia, as she fades away in her end-of-life journey.  The process is hard and painful to watch.  Our hearts hurt knowing that one day soon she will no longer be with us and yet in another way, we celebrate knowing that she will be reunited with her parents, her sisters, her husband in Heaven and that she will be healthy and whole and no longer in pain.  At the same time, we are also still processing that my father fades away a little bit each day.  I know that each time I visit it’s like reintroducing myself to him.  I know that the Tracy he remembers looks nothing like the Tracy that is here today.  I know that one day, he will not know me at all, but I will still know him. 

The moral of this is that with each of these moments I’m learning to breathe and experience them fully, to feel the happiness and the pain.  To laugh harder and louder than I did in the past, and at the same time, I’m also learning to feel sadness and pain.  To cry, yell, or scream when I need to but to feel it, process it, work through it, to feel it, and then move forward.  I’ve realized that in my past, I spent a lot of time hiding from the pain that life threw at me, pushing it down, pretending that it didn’t hurt, pretending that it didn’t happen when it did.  I thought that maybe all the pain that I was avoiding was not avoided at all.  In fact, I have come to believe that repressing these feelings was a catalyst for the cancer to start growing within my body.  It makes sense if you think about it.  Your body will eventually let you know when it can’t take anymore – which is what mine did. 

So today, instead of avoiding the pain, I embrace it.  I write about it, I talk about it, and cry about it.  I lean in, I’ve learned to allow myself to be comforted by my amazing husband, Mano, and I’ve grown in the ways that I offer comfort to him when he needs it.  Together we are learning to feel all the feels and emotions that time has to offer us, whether those feels and emotions are excitement for our next chapter, the building of our “Forever Home” or whether those moments are one of sadness and pain, such as the impending death of our Yia Yia, and the continued memory loss of my father.

I hope that you will learn to embrace the feelings that time is offering you.  I hope that you too learn to live in the moment(s), whether good or bad, happy, or sad.  I hope that you stop pushing down the pain and the hurt, but lean-into it and allow it to wash over you as you move forward in your journey.  I promise you, once you learn to live and experience the moments of pain and sadness, the moments of joy and happiness will be that much more fulfilling and special.  Take that breath, enjoy the moments, grab a hold of the feelings, and lean-in.  You will be so happy you did, and your life will be so much fuller because of it.

Whatever you are going through today, know that I am here with you and here for you.  If you are going through a hard time in your life, I want you to know that I feel your pain and share in your sadness. If you are going through a special and happy moment in your life, I rejoice in your accomplishment and your happiness.  Wherever you are at, whatever you are feeling, or whatever you are experiencing, you are exactly where you need to be.  Embrace the feelings, live in the moment, and grow with each breath. You will be better because of it, and trust me, you are worth it.

Xo,

Tracy