March 20, 2023

It’s hard to understand the anxiety that comes with a cancer diagnosis until you have experienced it for yourself.  I believe that it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your diagnosis, or how far away you are from that diagnosis but the simple fact that you had been diagnosed previously that impacts the anxiety you feel when post-treatment you are having follow up scans.  Each of these moments bring back the thoughts, the anxiety, the fear that this may be the scan that reveals a new mass or a new diagnosis.  It’s honestly a true feeling and something that cancer patients struggle with. 

There is another misconception that society has when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer which is that once your treatments are completed you are now “done” with cancer.  This is so far from the truth and it’s so hard to explain this to others.  I would love to be “done” with cancer.  I would love to know that everything my doctors and I did to cure the cancer that invaded my body is gone forever, but unfortunately, I don’t have the magic ball to know that this is the truth but instead what we all do is move forward with our lives as best we possibly can, but we always have moments where we think “Oh no, is this pain, am I feeling cancer?”, or when our doctors order routine scans, the anxiety we feel going into those scans can be overwhelming, even when we are telling ourselves “This is just a routine scan and there is nothing to worry about.”  Even though we believe and know there is nothing to be concerned about the anxiety is there, because often our diagnosis started with a bad or questionable scan.

Now let me share my reality.  I went in on March 7th for a routine scan of my right breast and a follow-up ultrasound.  These scans have revealed some “dark areas” that are noted on the report as “ill-defined hypoechoic area measuring 5 x 5 x 8 mm with peripheral vascularity, that may reflect postsurgical change, although underlying recurrent malignancy cannot be excluded.  No enlarged lymph nodes in the right axilla.”  Per WebMD this means a hypoechoic mass looks dark gray on an ultrasound. That means the tissue is dense. It doesn’t always mean that something is wrong.  The recommendation for next steps is an MRI with and without contrast of both breasts.  This scan will be done on Wednesday. 

As you can imagine, the angel on my right shoulder says, “I’m so thankful to have all these amazing doctors working for my good to assure that everything is okay and that I am clear and good” and then there is the devil that sits on my left shoulder who whispers “this is where it started the last time, having to go for another scan is not a good thing” . . . and then the Scan Anxiety settles in.

Let me say this, in my heart and in my mind, I know that God has me and that I am not going to fall victim to this disease.  I know that my MRI will be clear, but at the same time I know that I must go do the next scan so we can all have the peace of mind that everything is okay.  I am grateful to my doctors for being so proactive to assure that they are monitoring my health.  The hard part is that even though you KNOW all of these to be true, it’s hard to tell your body that because your body remembers.  It remembers how it felt when you heard the diagnosis, it remembers that your life went fast forward from that moment as you began to prepare for chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and the mental exhaustion that surrounded it all.  Your body remembers all of it so no matter how hard you try to move forward in the moment you are stagnant until the next scan is done, read, and you hear the words – all clear, all is well.

I would appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, and healing you can send my way until I get the results of the MRI scan on Wednesday.  I am strong and I believe that all will be well, but the Scan Anxiety in the meantime is real.  I can’t tell my village how much I appreciate all of you.  Till the next post. . .

Xo,

Tracy