October 22, 2022

It’s been a minute since I’ve written, and I apologize for that.  We’ve been going through some stuff in our lives as I’m sure most of you have as well.  It seems as if everywhere I turn recently everyone is going through something and that makes my heart hurt.  It’s a time of change for a lot of us.  Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs, and highs and lows, and I believe it’s what we do during these moments that form us.  Do we learn from these moments and move forward, or do we hide and do nothing?  Do we blame the circumstances we find ourselves in or do we grab ahold of the moment and take the challenge, whatever that may be? 

I believe that I have always chosen to be an active participant in living my life.  I don’t believe that anyone, who knows me, would say that I am someone who just sits idly by as life moves forward, in fact, I feel that I have been quite the opposite of that, in fact in the past, I believe that there are times when I grabbed on too hard and tried my damnedest to force that square peg into a round hole.  Trust me, I do realize that was not a healthy way to handle it either.  Finding balance is what I am trying to do.  So, how do you learn to enjoy living your life and not just existing in it?  How do you learn to let things go that don’t benefit or serve us? 

The other day I was reading a chapter titled “Releasing Suppressed Emotions” in the book, Radical Remission Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Kelly A. Turner, Ph.D., and I realized that I have been harboring some anger and resentment that is blocking my ability to completely heal myself.  I am positive that what I have been holding onto has contributed to the growth of my cancer.  In the past year, I have done a lot of research on cancer and tried to understand what we can do to heal ourselves.  There are common “theories” around remission and healing from many different people and many different sources and if you study this enough you will find that there are commonalities for all of them – change your diet, increase positive emotions, let go of negative emotions, exercise more, etc.  Out of all of these, this week I have focused on how do we really let “shit” go? 

All of us can easily identify someone in our lives that are holding onto something stemming from a divorce, a dysfunctional childhood, an abusive parent, sexual abuse, sexual dysfunction, parenting failures, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, etc. – trust me, the list of what we could be holding onto is endless.  In fact, it’s easy for each of us to point a finger and say to that person, “you just need to let (insert the issue here) go” and the funny part is that it seems so easy for us to say that to someone else, but what do we do when it’s us who needs to let (insert the issue here) go?  Suddenly, it’s not so easy anymore, is it?

I have a phrase now that I have been repeating to myself, and others, that says “If it’s not serving you, it’s hurting you” and I truly believe this to be the truth.  The reality of that statement is that this week I’ve had to confront the things in my life that are not “serving me” and in fact, it’s “hurting me”.  This week I decided that it’s time to focus that energy, the anger, the hate, the sadness, and the hurt on facing that which is not serving me.  I realize that often in our lives, the resentment and hurt that we carry within ourselves don’t hurt the person that caused that pain to us, in fact, there are times that I’m sure that “person” isn’t even aware of the behavior that continues to damage us and that we spend a lot of time expecting change, from someone who will never change, we expect apologies we will never get, and sadly we expect behaviors to change, and (often) they never will.  I realized this week that the change must come from within.  I realized that what hurts me, must be addressed and faced by me, not anyone else, and only when I finally decide to face the issue will I be able to put it behind me and heal myself to move forward in my life. 

Cancer is a funny thing; it brings forward so many things in our lives.  Upon diagnosis, the first fear that runs through your mind is the fear of death and of dying.  I thought about this the other day, and I thought to myself, “I wonder why we are so afraid of dying the moment we (I) are diagnosed with cancer?”  When I was thinking about this the other day, I thought, why did my diagnosis bring these thoughts forward?  Aren’t we all dying?  I mean, isn’t there a chance that we all could have a car accident, heart attack, stroke, etc., and die unexpectedly at any time?  We all know of someone who died earlier than their time from something other than cancer, yet, as soon as the word cancer comes into the picture instantly we think – this is it?  It’s all over from here?  But what if, the first thought was, “Okay, so I have cancer, now let’s talk about how I live with cancer because dying is not an option?”  There are tons of people who are living with cancer, they are living each day of their lives, there are others that have beaten the odds and are cancer-free in situations where the medical world can’t explain how, or why they are?  So why not be one of these individuals?  The one thing that is certain in this world, no matter who you are, what you believe, or who you chose to love, that is none of us are getting out of here alive.  One day, we will all die.  I believe it’s what we do in the time we have here that is the space we need to focus upon.  It’s these moments where we need to be LIVING our lives, not just existing in the space between.

This week I decided to add counseling to my arsenal of “things to do” for my personal healing.  I decided that it’s time that I find a place where I can have a safe space to share the inner thoughts that have held me back from being able to fully release the resentment, hurt, and anger that is causing the emotional blockage in my body.  Post-cancer me knows that I need to protect this body and help it to release all negative emotions so that it can heal itself from the disease that once inhabited my space.  More importantly, I know that by doing the work and releasing this “baggage” I will also be cleaning out a space where I can then focus and fill with positive emotions and provide a healthier version of myself that will no longer harbor cancerous cells or growth.  Today I chose to focus on “cleaning my house” so that a recurrence is not a possibility.  It’s time to fill myself with only what is serving me.  In my mind, this is an action similar to being on an airplane that has lost its cabin pressure, you are always advised to put your mask on first, and then you help your child put on there’s.  Today, I am choosing to save myself first before I can focus or save anyone else. 

Why is letting go so hard?  Why is it considered selfish to focus on you?  Why does our society hold such a stigma on counseling and working on healing ourselves?  Why is it frowned upon if you need an antidepressant to get through a time in your life?  Why is counseling not offered freely to any person suffering from a long-term illness (not just cancer), Why? 

I don’t know why this seems so hard, or why there are stigmas, but I do know that despite it being hard, despite the stigma, I am choosing to save myself, at all costs, so stigma or not, difficult or not, I am going to do the work, clean my house and move forward in LIVING my life a much better person post-cancer, I chose to put my oxygen mask on first, and I chose to focus on me.  I am choosing to live my life, maybe for the first time ever.  Mano and I are making plans, vacation plans, retirement plans, and building plans, we are moving forward toward building our “forever” home before the “home”.

Please follow my lead – face your demons, clean your house, and do whatever it takes to heal yourself of your baggage and move forward with living your life.  I believe you will find those that support you are your people, those that don’t are (probably) the ones that have been holding you back.  I believe that when you get healthier, you will find that those that are are no longer serving you will be the ones that will no longer be in your presence.  I firmly believe that you will not need to let them go, they will leave on their own accord.  I also believe once you have worked on yourself, healed yourself, and filled your cup with all that is serving you, you will also find the peace you’ve been looking for.  I also believe that our God is a great God and ultimately, he wants only the best for us.  He gave us free will to make our own choices, so use that free will wisely, use that free will to heal yourself, love yourself, and live the best life possible.  Remember, none of us is getting out of this alive, so make the best of each day.

Xo,

Tracy