September 23, 2022

Picking up from where I left off in my last blog, I want to set the scene so you can understand where I was and the events that followed.  As I stated in the last blog, Nicky and Phillip had arrived in Austin to spend the weekend with Mano and me.  We had planned some amazing dinners, wine tasting, mani/pedis, and just some good old quality time with family.  When the trip was planned there were no thoughts of any health issues in any of our minds, however, the weeks leading up to the trip had turned into weeks that would change my life forever.

Picture this, it was Thursday, September 30^th around 3 pm in the afternoon.  Nicky and I were sitting at the nail salon getting pedis and drinking a nice glass of wine.  To my left, was a friend who attended the same church as Mano and me who had recently moved away.  This beautiful lady also had been diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before and had recently completed her treatments and was slowly starting to move forward with her life.   We chatted about where they bought land, as Mano and I had recently purchased 10 acres in Evant, Texas, and were looking forward to building our forever home.  We chatted about the church, our kids, etc.  It was during this moment that my phone rang, and it was the nurse practitioner from MD Anderson with the news on what “type” of cancer had invaded my body. 

I remember answering the phone and having a small chat with her when she then proceeded to tell me the results.  Please remember from my previous post that I was completely convinced that my cancer was ER+ cancer.  I don’t know if I will ever forget the words that then came from her mouth.  She said, “The cancer is ER-“ then there was a pause, and I thought okay, no biggie, come on PR+ cancer, and then she said “it’s PR-“ and I thought okay, that sucks and not what I expected at all, but that’s okay it’s HER2+, and then she said “it’s HER2-“ and it was at that moment that I felt the air get sucked out of the room and I honestly didn’t think I could breath and it was in that moment that I heard Emily’s voice say, “You don’t want the negatives – those are the BAD ones.  You want something positive, not all negatives.” 

I remember at that moment thinking, “My life is over, I have just been handed a death sentence.  How in the world am I going to be able to tell my family this – my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister, who was sitting right there?” I was completely silent.  The nurse then said, “Tracy, are you there?  Did you hear me?  Do you understand what I said?” to which I responded, “Yes, I heard you.  Obviously, this is not the news that I wanted to hear.”  This dear nurse has been handling breast cancer patients for over 20 years.  I can only imagine how many of these calls she has done in 20 years.  She then proceeded to say, “I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I want you to remember, that your tumor is <2 cm and you had no node involvement.  This is good news.”  I thought to myself, Good News, are you f**king kidding me?  None of this is good news.  I do remember that this nurse asked me if I could come back to MDA to meet with an oncologist on Monday, October 5th to which I agreed and figured one way or another Mano and I would be there.  The moments following this news are somewhat blurry for me and I’m sure Nicky’s recollection of these events is probably better than mine. 

I do remember that Nicky could tell by the look on my face that it was not good news.  I remember her saying what did she say, and all I could do was shake my head and the tears began to fall.  My dear sweet nail tech gal, whose name also happens to be Tracy, was there and she looked up at me and saw the tears rolling down my face and I remember Nicky saying, “she’s been diagnosed with breast cancer” as she held my arm and we both wept quietly.  I’m not sure how we got out of there, but I am sure that I paid the bill and we then went home where I then had to tell Mano the news.

I remember at some point texting my boss, Heather, who is a 9+ year breast cancer survivor, to give me a call when she had a moment. I also remember getting home and going upstairs to Mano’s office and then sharing the news with him.  We both hugged each other and cried.  I am sure we said something like we will get through this or something like that but the one that I remember clearly is that I said, “My cancer has just trumped yours and as of now, it’s going to be all about me.”  I think it was around that moment that my phone rang, it was my boss, Heather.  I recall telling Mano that I needed to take the call and tell Heather.  As I walked out of his office I said, “Don’t google anything” which he immediately ignored and started googling “Triple Negative Breast Cancer”.  When I returned to his office, I will never forget the look on his face as he sat at his desk, with tears rolling down his face.  He turned to look at me and I said, “You googled it didn’t you?” and he replied, “I wish I wouldn’t have” and I said, “I told you not to” and he said, “I know.”

I knew when I saw Mano’s face that he was thinking the same thing that I had thought when I got the call.  Because I don’t want to speak for him, I’m going to allow Mano to share his thoughts with you instead.

Hi everyone, Mano here, I can’t read the previous paragraph without tearing up still today.  The feelings are still very raw, as this was one of the lowest points of my life.  Two cents of advice, when your partner tells you to not google something, DON’T GOOGLE IT!!  The search results all talked about statistics and life expectancy averages – none of which highlighted anything good.  TNBC is NOT a “good” cancer, it is ugly.  Emily was not kidding when she said, “you don’t want this one”.  The one thing I remembered very quickly was that Tracy is NOT a statistic and she is NOT average.  She has NEVER been.  She tackled this diagnosis with a renewed vigor and energy I had not seen before.  She studied, read papers, researched, and researched, talked to people, made appointments, EVERYTHING.  By the time we went to our first appointment with Dr. Chavez-MacGregor she knew, and had enough knowledge, that she was able to understand and was able to complete Dr. Chavez-MacGregor’s sentences for her.  That was a very eye-opening moment for me, and I was very proud of my wife.  It was around this time that I knew Tracy was not going to just lay down and die, she was, and is, fighting this ugly cancer.  She and I WILL be building our forever home on our land, and we WILL retire and live to enjoy our life together.  That’s all from me.  Later. 

The next few hours, and days, went by as a blur. I do recall that there were a lot of phone calls to family, and friends, repeating the news that I never thought I would ever have to tell anyone much less everyone.  I know that over the next few days, I tried to paint on a brave face, and do my best to enjoy the remainder of Nicky and Phillip’s visit, however, no matter what we were doing the only thing that was going through my head was negative thoughts.  I remember walking into my closet once and thinking “Why in the hell do I have all these clothes, I’m going to be dead soon, and I won’t need them anymore.”  I remember thinking, “this is so unfair, I won’t be around to see Christian graduate high school.”  I remember thinking, “why in the hell did we buy that land, I won’t live long enough to build our forever home.  How unfair is this…” the devil was truly working overtime on filling my mind with nothing but negative thoughts, and negative emotions.  I was lost.  I was hurting.  I was sad, and I was terrified of what was coming next.

I made it through the weekend with my painted-on face until Sunday morning when I drove Nicky and Phillip to the airport.  I remember Nicky hugging me as she left and said, “It’s all going to be okay.  Don’t worry.  I know that it’s all going to be okay.  We will be praying for you.”  Being her big sister, I am smart enough to know that she also had her brave face on and that was her way of coping. We were all hurting and processing on our own time, in our own way.

I don’t believe that I made it off the airport property when the uncontrollable tears began to fall.  It was the first moment that I had been alone since hearing the news and I used every moment of it to cry and grieve.  Before I arrived home, I called my mother and just cried and cried, telling her that the devil was working overtime on me.  That all thoughts that were in my head were negative and of death.  There were no thoughts during those days that had any hope in them at all.  For those of you who don’t know my mother, Pat, you are sadly missing out.  I must say, I have the BEST mother ever.  It was on this call that she shared with me a story about a truly horrible and sad time in her life when the devil was working overtime on her mind and heart.  She also shared with me that the bible tells us if we rebuke the devil in Jesus’ name, he must let us free.  We talked some more and then my wonderful mother prayed over me.  Y’all, if you have ever had your mother pray over you, then you truly know what a beautiful moment this is.  Not only is this a beautiful moment, but it’s a truly touching and tearful moment.  We cried together, we talked some more, and then I was able to get off the phone and go into the house and face the day.  For those who don’t know, my mother was diagnosed with melanoma a little over 6 years ago.  When she was diagnosed, I flew to Florida and was there for her surgery.  Thankfully today, she is still clear of that horrible cancer.  The reason why I share this is to show that MOM KNEW what I was going through.  She’d been there, and she understood the emotions, the fear, and the doubt that I was experiencing. 

For the next few days, every time a negative thought, or emotion came into my mind, I thought to myself, “Devil, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ.  I am the daughter of the King, and He is carrying me.  Get out of my head.  Get out of my heart and leave me alone.”  There are only a few stories that still bring tears to my eyes when I tell them today, this is one of them.  Slowly, over the next 48 hours, I started to feel peace and realize that there was hope.  It was also during this time that we made our way back to MD Anderson where I had my first appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Chavez-MacGregor, where she clearly laid out what the next year of my life was going to look like.  Dr. Chavez-MacGregor drew this all out on that white paper that lines the table you usually sit on when you’re at the doctor’s office.  I still have that piece of paper today. 

I will say this, knowledge is power and Google is not always your friend.  It was in the very beginning, in these early days that I learned to be very discerning about what I would allow into my brain.  It was in these days that I began my search for positive stories, and it was in these moments that I realized, I am NOT a statistic and that my journey would be different than anyone else’s journey, and that I needed to focus on my path forward and not to let anyone else’s stories affect my journey. 

That is the thing, right?  When you’re diagnosed with cancer everyone wants to tell you a story of someone they knew who passed away.  Hell, I have those stories myself.  My best friend, Julie died in 2008 of small cell carcinoma lung cancer.  I know firsthand what that looks like.  I didn’t need to hear it from anyone else.  It was in these early days that I began to hear the holy spirit telling me that “my journey was going to be different.”  It was in these next few pivotal days that I KNEW God had me in His hands and that He was guiding this journey.  It was also in these next few days that I realized I was in control of nothing.  NOTHING!  That still stands true today.

There is so much more to this story and the days that followed and maybe I will take the time to write about those moments as well.  The important part of sharing this with all of you is to say if you are faced with a moment in your life that you don’t know how to move forward, please turn to HIM and ask for peace or comfort.  It’s in these moments that I have realized my greatest growth has grown out of my greatest pain.  It’s in these moments that I have learned to trust in HIM, and HE will steer my ship.  It’s in these moments that I have learned SO MUCH about myself and the strength that I never knew I had.  It’s in these moments that Mano and I have discovered how important those vows of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” means.  It’s been in these moments that I have discovered the greatest love that I have is for myself.  It’s also in these moments that I realized how much energy I’ve wasted over the years on stuff that didn’t matter.  It’s in these moments that I have found out who my people are, and which ones aren’t.  It’s in these moments that I have learned to cherish each day and to give myself more GRACE than I ever thought possible. 

I truly, truly, hope that you never, EVER, have to experience a moment like I’ve talked about in these past few blogs, but if you do, my prayers for you are that you will lean in and trust that God will provide you with the love, the confidence, and the grace that you need to get through the dark days and that He will reward you in the bright ones.  I love you, my friends.  Thanks for sticking in there while I shared some of the scariest moments of this journey with you.  My prayer is that it will help someone else along the way.

Xo,

Tracy