September 11, 2022

Hi, y’all – Happy Sunday Funday.  Can y’all believe it’s the middle of September already?  Do you know what that means?  Yes, you are correct, that means that we are 74 days till Thanksgiving and 105 days till Christmas.  Are you ready for this?  I certainly am not. 

This week has been a crazy week of challenges for me with the oral chemo (Xeloda) causing some truly incredible headaches for me.  I’ve had two days/nights where I was in bed by, or before, 4 pm and one night where I finally had to take a Tramadol to try and help with the pain from my headache.  Sadly, the Tramadol helped to make me sleepy and relax a bit, but it did not help with my headache – so much for that idea.  In fact, that evening I was up the whole night.  I think I cat-napped a bit, but I can tell you that I saw every hour on the hour.  Don’t you just hate evenings like that? 

But today, I don’t want to write about me and the struggles of the week, I want to write about my BRIGHT SPOTS for the week.  At work, we are focusing on BRIGHT SPOTS with our customers, BRIGHT SPOTS with our internal initiatives, and BRIGHT SPOTS with recognition to our co-workers and I thought to myself – what an amazing concept!  Seriously though, think about it, if we all spent more time focusing on our BRIGHT SPOTS than our Dark Spots what would that look like to you?  How would that change your perspective?  How would that change your mood?  How would that change how you feel about your life?  Would you interact with others differently and how would you treat them differently?  I believe it would have a HUGE impact not only on us but on everyone we encounter.  So today, I am going to share my BRIGHT SPOTS for the week, so here goes:

• My body is tolerating the Xeloda well considering the crazy side effects I am experiencing. My kidney and liver functions are looking good.  My white blood cell counts have dropped but they are not dangerously low, and I have amazing doctors who continue to care for me and allow me to decide and determine for myself how far I want to push this medicine and how much I am willing to take the side effects without harming myself.  Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT!
• I have a job that I love! I am enjoying my new position, which is allowing me to expand and explore a skill set I knew I had but didn’t know how to harvest and sharpen till now. I have amazing team members and leadership who are trusting me to lead an internal initiative that is right up my alley.  Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT!
• I was able to get a haircut and trim up the crazy poofy growth on this hair. Short hair is so different than the long hair that I’ve always sported.  It felt good to get cleaned up as I learn to love and accept the “new” me.  Trust me when I say looking in the mirror at myself requires me at times to take a double take, the face is the same, but the haircut and color are very different.  I am learning that different is good!  Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT!
• This week in my acupuncture sessions my meditation focus has been on thanking my body. Thanking my brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, arms, legs, stomach, etc. for their amazing ability to tolerate the treatments that I’ve been through in the last year and not only for tolerating the treatments but for carrying through the treatments, for healing itself and for healing me.  Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT!  Our bodies are the most amazing machines.
• Yesterday I attended the bridal shower for Lauren Hudson and her fiancé Peter Robinson. For those who don’t know Lauren and Peter, let me take a moment to share a tiny bit about these two beautiful people.  I met Lauren 6+ years ago when I was on the quest for a house/dog sitter when Mano and I traveled.  Little did I know when meeting this young lady that I would find more than just a house/dog sitter.  Lauren has become part of my family.  I have seen this young lady move from high school to college, to a working career, in fact, I even helped with getting her a job at Ceridian.  I have watched Lauren and Peter as their relationship blossomed and bloomed, celebrated their engagement, recent first home purchase, and bridal shower and my heart will be full of love (and probably a few tears) when Mano and I attend their wedding on 10/28.  Lauren has helped us out of some crazy and challenging moments in our lives, more moments than I have time to write about now, or even come close to documenting all of them.  In fact, we trust our home and our furry ones to Lauren and Peter so much that before we schedule a vacation, I call Lauren and Peter and see if our timing fits into theirs and if it doesn’t, we move our trip. Lauren and Peter are family to us.  Sharing in her bridal shower and special day yesterday was a huge BRIGHT SPOT in my week.  Lauren and Peter – I love you both so much and can’t wait to celebrate your wedding with you both! Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT, God blessed our lives with the two of you!
• Now, let’s talk birthdays – today is a sad and heartbreaking day for so many of us as we all remember and reflect on how our lives were forever changed on September 11, 2001, however, for others, that day was also a day of celebration. I have two very special people who I celebrate each September 11th. 
  • My brother Brick turns 61 years old today. That tragic day was Brick’s 40th birthday, which is a birthday that he will never forget.  My brother has struggled for many years with alcoholism, drug use, abuse, and mental illnesses, in fact, many know, but some don’t, that my brother currently resides in a locked ward at a long-term care facility.  Brick’s mental illness has grown as a result of years of alcohol and drug abuse and his own mental illness struggles which have damaged his brain and how it works.  The past 4-5 years have been increasingly difficult on my family, especially my mother and sister, as they have struggled with hospitalization stays, moving him from one facility to another, and diligently working to find the right combination of medicine to balance him out.  It has been and continues to be, a long road.  I am not sharing all this to “out”, my brother, however, quite the opposite, I am sharing this to encourage others to share their stories and to talk about these things.  Mental issues, drug use, abuse, and alcoholism have such a “stigma” in our communities that we all just sweep these topics under the carpet and pretend they don’t exist – BUT THEY DO!  It’s not shameful to speak of these things, it’s helpful.  Often, we feel that this is only happening or affecting just us, but we are not alone in this journey.  Mental illness and addictions do not only affect the individual but the battles are also shared by the families of those suffering from these illnesses or addictions.  I share this with you today in hopes of removing some of the stigmas, in hopes of opening the door and clearing the road for us all to talk about this, pray about this, to love these individuals through their struggles without enabling them through the process.  My mother has diligently worked to provide for Brick, find the best facilities for him, the best doctors for him, the right medication, etc.  My sister, Nicky, and her husband, Philip, have visited him, taken him out for lunches, dinners, and doctor’s appointments, they’ve moved him more time than they care to remember, etc.  When an individual has an addiction or mental illness it’s the families that struggle and suffer alongside them, it’s truly a moment when love for that person will never be enough to help or fix the problem.  Today my parents will take Brick to lunch for his birthday.  We are all hoping that it will be a good day for him.   He’s my brother and I love him, but as a family, we’ve had to decide that we can’t enable him, or stop him from the damage he has and will continue to do to himself if given the opportunity.  For today I give PRAISE for Brick and celebrate his birthday, and I PRAY for him in hopes that he can finally find comfort and peace where he is, and I PRAY for my family as we continue to navigate these waters with him. Brick will continue to be a BRIGHT SPOT in our lives despite the daily battles and challenges.
  • Today, we also celebrate another important birthday. Today, my stepson, Nick, celebrates his 21st.  Nick was born on THE day of the tragic attacks on our country.  On this day, 21 years ago, before Mano headed out the door to take Melissa to the hospital he popped in a VHS tape to record the news of the day, to document, and share with his son, the events of what was going on the day he was born, little did he know what that tape would record and how valuable, how tragic, and yet how monumental those memories would be.  Sadly, Nick has also been affected by the COVID years where he was not able to enjoy and experience his high school Senior year in the way the rest of us did.  He had no in-school classes, no dances, no football games, no prom, and remote and calculated graduation where everyone wore masks and spaced 6 feet apart.  It’s been hard for the parents to witness this and to experience and feel the sadness for the losses all the kids who graduated in 2020 experienced, however, at the same time I can only hope that these lost moments have also allowed these young adults to have flexibility, tenacity, and to have learned how to make lemonade out of the lemons they were given. When Mano and I married Nick was 8 years old and as all young kids, who are children of divorced parents after some time, he learned to accept my place in their lives, but he also secretly wished that his parents would get back together.  We’ve had difficult years, as all parents go through while raising children.  We all experience the moments where they push boundaries and work to figure out their way in the world.  Mano and I decided when we married that we would stay in the home that the children knew.  The home we live in is the home that Melissa and he had purchased together and is the home that we still occupy today.  The years, at times, seemed long, and yet looking back now, these past 12+ years have gone by in the blink of an eye.  Today, for Nick’s birthday, I would like to say this, as your stepmother, I may not have been your choice, but I was your father’s choice. I may not have been the best mom, but I can honestly say that all parents (biological, step, foster, etc.) feel they have failed their children in some way, Dad and I are no different as we have felt this way more times than you will ever know. I will say this, I took this role as your father’s wife and your stepmother VERY seriously.  When I made the decision to marry your father and come into your home, and your lives, I swore that I was going to give it my ALL.  I have tried to be the best stepmother that I knew how to be.  Dad and I have tried to provide you, and your brother, the best life we could.  We worked hard to provide you both with experiences that we hope you will look back at and cherish one day.  We want you to remember the family vacations, the cruises, the summers at the Georgetown Palace, the soccer practices, and many soccer games.  We worked hard to bridge the gaps with your biological mother, sharing many birthdays, family game nights, dinners, plays, soccer games, and Christmas together.  We know that there are things we could have done better and areas that we failed but the important thing to remember is that we tried, and we did the best we could with the knowledge and information we had at that time.  With each life experience, and each situation, we learned good lessons, and hard lessons, and we’ve worked diligently to do better the next time around.  Sadly, being the firstborn, same as Dad and I are, you are often the child whom the parents are learning with, growing with each lesson and experience you gave us.  The children that follow you are the ones that benefit from the lessons that you’ve taught us.  So, for that, we apologize.  The birth order is a real thing and your place in that order sometimes comes with hard lessons and for that, we apologize.  Despite it all, Nick, I want you to know that you are one of my biggest BRIGHT SPOTS, through all the headaches, frustrations, and heartaches there has also been happiness, laughter, and love.  Just like everything in life we have the good times, the hard times, the happy times, and fun times.  It’s what makes it exciting.  We learn during the hard times, we grow during the valleys, not when we are standing on the top of the mountain.  Dad and I have enjoyed all the moments – ALL OF THEM.  We may not have liked all of them, but we learned from them, and we hope you have too.  Today is your birthday and that is a day to celebrate.  Tomorrow, we will celebrate you and I will happily make the chicken enchilada dish you requested.  I expect it to be an evening of reflection and laughter.  I’m sure we will sit around and tell tales of the past and talk about the adventures of our future.  Either way, we will all be together.  Dad and I wish you the best that life has to offer.  We are encouraged to see that you’ve stepped out on your own and you are finding your own way.  We pray you will learn from your mistakes, pivot when you need to, reach out and grab at any opportunity available to you, and pivot again when you need to change course and find a new direction.  Continue to go to God with your problems, praise Him in the great moments and ask for His Grace and Guidance and He will provide that for you.  Dad and I love you very much and wish you the BEST 21st birthday ever!  Happy Birthday, son.  Praise for this BRIGHT SPOT!

I apologize for the lengthy post today, I guess that’s what happens when I haven’t blogged all week.  As I’ve laid in bed, nursing my headache, and healing myself, my mind is still full of lots of things to say, even if I don’t always feel like writing them at that moment.  I would love to hear what your BRIGHT SPOTS are.  I would love to hear your stories of struggle and how you have overcome them or how you deal with them.  I would love to share in your journey as you are sharing in mine.  Focus on your BRIGHT SPOTS this week and then share with me how that changed your week, how did it change your perspective, and how did it change the outcome of your week.  BRIGHT SPOTS is where it’s at! I love you all! 😊

Xo,

Tracy