August 28, 2022

It’s funny, when I was diagnosed with cancer my first questions and thoughts went to the questions that pertained to my physical body and my physical presence.  They were questions such as:

• Will I lose my hair?
• What side effects will this (fill in the blanks) medicine have on my body
• How long will I be on (fill in the blanks) medicine?
• What type of monitoring will we do during (blank) treatment
• What are the pros and cons of chemo vs no chem, radiation vs no radiation, lumpectomy plus radiation vs single/double mastectomy, etc?

I’ve written about these questions and the struggles to make certain decisions in many of my previous blogs, but do you know the question that I did not ask or write about?  I never asked, though, inquired, or wrote about:

• What will my mental health be like through all this?
• How will I feel when I am sick looking, bald, tired looking, etc?
• How will I handle my feelings of inadequacy?
• How will I be when I am struggling with a lack of energy?
• What will it be like when I look in a mirror and no longer see the version of myself that I have known for so long?

Not once did I ever think of what my mental and spiritual self would go through.  It never even occurred to me that my mental and spiritual battle would struggle as much, if not more, than what my physical body would go through.

I’ve said many times that I feel that this battle is more of a mental battle than a physical battle.  That is something that I know now more than I did when I went into this.  I have listened to a few different breast cancer podcasts, and I’ve sat on a few different breast cancer TED talks or video talks, and you know what, almost all of them discuss more about the mental and spiritual side of this journey than the physical side. 

Have you ever stopped to wonder why? Have you ever thought about why we often talk about the illnesses, diseases, and things that we see on the outside, but we shy away from talking about, or sharing our truth to others about what is going on inside?  Why is it thought of as shameful?  Why is it thought of as so taboo that no one dares to speak about this?  Much less ask someone else about how they are TRULY doing.  I don’t mean physically doing, I mean How are you really feeling?  Are you in a good space or a bad space?  How are you spiritually?  Are you confused, broken, tired, angry, hurt, depressed, etc.?  Why don’t we ever say that we truly want to know, “How you are?”

I have had quite a bit of time to think about so many things during this journey but one of the biggest things I’ve realized is how naïve I was going into this thinking that all the changes would be to my physical body, and not once did I have thought about what would be happening to my mental and spiritual self.  In fact, I can take that one step further, and share that I have some of the best doctors in the US as part of my medical team and you know what?  Not once during all of many, many medical visits did any of my doctors say how are you handling this mentally, or spiritually?  Are you in a good head space?  I will say that MD Anderson does ask with each visit if you are suicidal, do you need to speak to someone, or if you need a chaplain/minister/etc., but they never really go beyond asking the question and then moving on to “So, how are you feeling?  Are you experiencing any pain?”

Anyone going through any major life challenges or changes will inevitably experience bodily changes, but I can honestly say that the greatest changes I’ve gone through have been my mental and spiritual changes.  Mentally, this road has been longer than the physical battle.  The mental pain, confusion, and exhaustion are huge.  The time spent in silence, meditation, and prayer doing the mental rebuilding, rebranding, and reassessing who you are AFTER the physical battle is done is where the hard work is, it’s where it all begins. 

The spiritual battle that I fought with myself, the anger I’ve felt towards God, the shame, the sins, recognizing the behaviors that no longer work for me, admitting to myself that I alone allowed people and situations to drive my behaviors and control my thoughts, admitting to myself the vices that I used to hide from, facing my feelings of inadequacy, my fears, or admitting when I was in emotional and mental pain.  It was when I admitted to myself the truth behind all that pain and shame that I had been carrying with me for YEARS that I was finally able to begin to heal and free myself.  These are the battles that I’ve had to work through, these are the battles that I had to face, acknowledge, and then let go to heal myself. Trust me when I share with you, these moments, these battles, the work, it has been painful, it has been emotional, it has been hard, and has been HUGE, but at the same time it’s been freeing, it’s been life-changing, and it’s been satisfying and rewarding.

The parts that others don’t see are the times that I have sat by myself, or with Mano, my mother, or sister, and cried, and yelled.  It’s the days that I have spent countless hours on the phone with my mother, my sister, and my best friends, truly talking about how I was doing, and I mean really doing, not how was I feeling physically.  The hours that I spent talking with other survivors who validated the feelings that I was having were normal, valid, and acceptable.  The days when I was able to pray with my family, the days that I called my mom and ask her to pray over me because I didn’t know if I could make it one more step. However, it was also during these moments that I knew that I COULD do it with the love and support of my husband, my family, and my faith. 

It was those days that I struggled but somehow made it through it all because I knew I was being lifted and covered with prayers.  It was on those days that I learned to give myself grace, real grace.  It was those days that the growth happened.  It was those days that the dark clouds parted, and the sun began to shine through.  It was on those days that I found out how truly strong I am.  It was on those days that I learned it wasn’t about my physical strength.  It was about my mental and spiritual strength.  It was on those days that I realized God was using sandpaper (my situation) to smooth the stone (me).  It was on those days I realized how truly blessed I was.

We weren’t meant to walk this walk alone, we were meant to walk this walk with our families, our friends, our co-workers, our small groups, our bunco groups, our bowling teams, our motorcycle club members, or whoever your tribe is.  Trust me when I say that God works in many ways and that foundation, that help, that selfless love is not always found in the church, in fact, if you look hard enough it’s often found in the places or people you would least expect. 

To prove my point, let me tell you this short, but true story.  Mano and I have a biker friend, Tom, who is one of the best guys we know.  He’s loud and boisterous and often stereotyped because of his appearance and his motorcycle club jacket/colors.  He is also giving, loving, kind, caring, and selfless.  Tom has been stereotyped many times, in fact, he was wrongfully detained by a police officer in 2018, held, and profiled, because of his appearance and the jacket on his back.  This loud and boisterous biker is also one of the first guys to help in a time of need.  Over the years of our friendship with Tom, we have seen him load up his trailer and take water, supplies, food, clothing, diapers, etc. to those who were affected by the random Texas fires or floods.  Consistently he’s also the man that you will see leading the Secret Santa parade in December buying hundreds of dollars of toys for kids.  I don’t call this out to publicly recognize Tom for what he has done.  I am sharing this story with you, to make a point.  My point is this, it’s important to see, and recognize that we can’t tell from our outward appearances who we are on the inside.  It’s important to recognize that even though our outward appearance may appear okay, and all put together, it’s not always an accurate depiction of how we are doing on the inside. God sends angels in many different shapes and sizes.  Tom and his girlfriend, Michelle, fed me and my family the first chemo night, and on many nights since then, they have checked on us and helped us any time we needed it.  I am blessed to have their friendship, prayers, love, and support.  My biker buddies are some of the best people I know!  If you ever see Tom & Michelle out and about on their bikes, go over and give them a big hug from me.  That would be fun, right?  Just tell them Tracy sent you.  We all need a hug every now and again.  Trust me, they will hug you back! 😊  (Side note – I will supply the court case and corresponding article at the bottom of this page to the profiling story I mentioned above).

Today, I hope that this blog opens a space within yourself to think about asking some deeper questions for those that you know are struggling.  I hope that you step outside your comfort zone and ask the real question to your friends, I hope you let them know that you really want to know how THEY are doing, ask them how you can pray for them, and ask them to share their struggles, ask how you can help.  If they aren’t ready to share today, it’s okay.  Continue to let them know that you are there, that you are available, that you care, and that you are willing and able to listen or just be with them when they are ready.  Trust me when I say that we all want to connect with someone.  Know that you don’t need to say the right thing, often you will find, that they just want someone to share with, someone to just be there.  It’s in these moments that we find our true connection to our friends, our family members, and even to ourselves.

In closing, I just want to say, if you are ever put into a position where you are faced with serious health or life challenge, or if you know of someone facing serious health or life challenge, or if you hear of someone just struggling through a dark and challenging time in their life, just remember to look past their physical appearance and state.  Remember that their mental and spiritual self will be going through a battle bigger, and harder than anything you will ever see with your eyes.  It’s in these moments that you will feel uncomfortable, but please try to take that step beyond your comfort zone and just ask, as openly and as honestly as you can, “How are YOU doing?” Take a moment to share that you truly want to know, not how they are feeling physically, but how are they feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  If you are of the praying kind, ask if you can pray for them, ask if you can pray over them during the week, and ask if there are specific prayers that they would like for you to focus on that week. If you aren’t of the praying kind, and I get it, some of us aren’t, then ask if you can send them loving, warm, healing thoughts.  Trust me, those work too!  I guess what I’m trying to say is just ask.  The healing for them and for us often begins in the moments when we don’t know what to say and that is okay. 

As always, thanks for letting me share.  Many of you have reached out and told me how much my blogs, my thoughts, and my sharing have helped you, but the thing you don’t know is that this blog is saving me.  This is my therapy.  This blog is cathartic for me and is a huge part of how I am healing my emotional, mental, and spiritual self.  I appreciate you all being on my journey, essentially, y’all are my guinea pigs.  Now that’s a thought, right?  I love you all!

Xo,

Tracy

The articles referenced above are here:

• Kost vs Cotto – link here
• Bikers are seeing what true profiling is all about – link here
• You seem nervous to me:  Why most Texas police vehicle searches … – link here (note, you will need to subscribe to the Houston Chronicle to read this article.