January 31, 2022

Vulnerable. That’s the only word I know that can describe this post for today. I promised y’all the good and the bad well today is one of those days…. The not so good day. The ugly day. The days that no one going through cancer and chemo write about often. But I will.

Today I cried.  Before 9 am, in fact, I just broke down and just cried. Honest, except for the days I was diagnosed with cancer (9/23) and the day I found out that it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC – 9/28) I haven’t really cried much. Honestly, I can name in one hand how many times I’ve cried.  Once when the nurses blew out my veins trying to do the CT with contract and once when the reality of not being able to go see the play Hamilton finally hit me. Other than that I haven’t really cried until today. 

Let me set it up for you all and honestly TRUST ME when I say that it will seem like this was NOTHING to cry over and in the reality it wasn’t but sometimes our emotions feel differently.

Last night before going to bed, I looked at my calendar today and I swore that I had a doctors appointment this morning to get my ear checkup at the ENT.  When I woke up this morning I was EXHAUSTED I mean, like one of those mornings where I felt that I should just go back to bed and sleep all day, however, I had this doctors appointment – so I got up, fed the dogs, let them out and proceeded to get a shower, get dressed and get ready to go.  Just doing that I was WORN OUT.  I honestly, did not know how I was going to make it to the doctors office and back AND of course, today it was pouring down rain, so I knew I could look forward to heading out in the rain.  I grabbed my shoes and sat on the couch and just chilled for a second.  After a bit of a break, I put my shoes on, grabbed my purse, said my goodbyes to the family and proceeded out the door to the doctors office, in the pouring rain.  When I arrived at the doctors, of course, it was raining harder, yet, I drug my exhausted self out of the car and walked through the rain, slowly of course, because I have no energy to the door and into the office.  I signed in and completed their COVID questionnaire and went to sit down.  Finally, I thought – a moment to just relax.  I was, of course, out of breath from just that little bit of effort.  The lady manning the front desk came out and asked me who I was supposed to be seeing because she did not see me on the schedule.  Um, What I thought?  So I told her and in fact, I did NOT have an appointment today but Thursday to see the PA to check my ear.  

Y’all I almost cried right there in the lobby of the doctor’s office.  That poor lady looked at me this pale, bald cancer patient (trust me that is what others see) and said, “I’m so sorry that you came all the way here and in the rain too.”  I smiled nicely and just said, “It’s okay.  I’ll see you on Thursday” and turned and walked out the door, in the rain and back to my car. 

Being the efficient person that I am, even with cancer, I had arranged to have my groceries picked up at HEB for the time that I should have been finished at the doctor’s which now was an hour from now and I thought to myself – There is no way in hell that I am driving home and then coming back out in the rain to get the groceries – I will never make it.  I am EXHAUSTED.  So I went to HEB and waited.  Praise God, the lovely HEB people brought my groceries out even though I was an hour earlier than I should be.  When I left to come home, I called Mano and asked if he was off a call and thankfully he was and I said “Can you come downstairs and unload the groceries for me? I am so tired I am not going to be able to unload the groceries myself.”  Of course, he did.  

Side note -y’all, please, please make sure to pray for Mano and give him huge kudos.  He takes such good care of me and does most, if not all the driving me around, taking care of me when I am sick and don’t feel good, etc.  When you take those “for good or bad, in sickness and health vows” you never really understand the magnitude of those words until a time like this in your life.  Right now that “in sickness” vow is in full effect. I tell my wonderful husband, thank you every single day.  I love you, Mano, Thank you will never be enough.

Again – I digress…. This is where it gets good.

I grabbed my purse out of my car and came into the house and just started crying as I was trying to put the groceries away.  My wonderful husband wrapped his arms around me and I said, “I’m just so tired.  I feel like I could sleep all day” and Mano said, “It’s okay baby, you are not superwoman. You can just cry….” Which I did.

I honestly can’t tell you all how tired I felt today.  I’m sure that it’s all part of the steroid crash and I’m sure some of it is just the compounding effect from the chemo that is building up in your body.   At one point today I said to Mano, “I think I may be getting sick because I just don’t feel good today” and he said, “I don’t think your getting sick I just think your body is worn down.” (Sigh – I’m sure that is the case.)

I managed to make it almost through my work day today and then I went and laid on the couch where my posse (my trusty dogs) came and surrounded me and watched over me while I rested.  (Photos below).   Being anemic I am cold – ALL. THE. TIME – and today with it being cold, rainy, wet I never could get warm.  The rest of our week here is going to be wet and cold – I’m sure I am in for a long week trying to stay warm.

This afternoon the muscles aches started so I did what any good cancer patient would do.  I went and got a tramadol and now I’m heading to bed.  I know this is not the positive, inspirational posts but this is a real post.  A real post of just how hard some days really are as I walk through this journey.  Please know that I am okay.  I am not writing for sympathy, I am writing to share the reality of what chemotherapy and its effects look like as the journey continues.  The good news is that I only have 5 more treatments remaining and that I can do!  Maybe I can bribe Brandi to give me a little extra steroids this Friday and extend the good days for a bit longer. (Just kidding Brandi).

Thank you all for being my village and walking the walk with me – good, bad and ugly.  Tomorrow is a new day – thank goodness for that!

Xo,

Tracy