January 25, 2023

Hello there and Happy New Year!  Yes, I know that we are 22 days into the New Year and I’m finally getting around to blogging, apologies to you all, I am a bit behind.  Our family went on a cruise for New Year’s and I picked up a mild case of the flu from the boat and spent the first week of the New Year catching up on work and resting.  I am thankful that I was smart enough to get a flu shot before the trip, because it resulted in me having a mild case of the flu.  I called it a “lite” version of the flu, meaning, I had mild body aches but none of the other horrible symptoms, which was a blessing.  I truly hope that the start of your New Year was better than mine, and that all of you have happily marched into 2023 and already experiencing a positive beginning to the New Year.

I must ask, what is everyone’s wishes for this year?  Did you make a bunch of resolutions?  What are you expecting 2023 to bring to you?  What are you willing to change in your life to allow these changes to happen? What is your focus in 2023?

While we were on vacation, I reflected on the New Year holiday and the expectations that we, as a society, put on the New Year.  We all see it and we all have experienced in prior years.  Our television commercials are filled with New Year’s offers.  Discounted gym memberships.  Discounts on joining a diet plan/program.  Advertisements urging society to focus on clean eating, starting an exercise program, Book clubs urge you to join their club and they promise that they will assist with holding you to your new goals for reading a book a month, and so much more.  I had to ask myself, why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we make such a BIG deal about the New Year and the “changes” we are going to make for ourselves on January 1^st?  Why is this day such a big deal?  Why aren’t we striving each day to make changes that will benefit or better ourselves?  Why do we set ourselves up for failure each year?  I wish I had the answer to this question, but I don’t.  What I do know for myself is this, this year, I decided that it was important to pick a word this year that would be my focus.  Not a new habit, or a task, that I would inevitably fail at, but pick a word that I could put forward as my primary focus for the 2023 year.

As you can imagine with the year that I have experienced, my word had to be big and bold, it had to be something that I could carry with me like a badge or a shield.  I knew that my word had to be a word that I could think about each day, whether that day was good, or bad, happy, or sad.  Whether I was alone, or with Mano, or my family.  My word needed to be something to remind me of where I’ve been, and where I am going.  

I struggles this year with coming up on with only one word, therefore I decided on two words to focus on.  My words this year are GRATITUDE and GRACE.  Both have been a primary focus for me since my diagnosis.  I struggle with giving myself, and others, GRACE, just as a I struggle with being GRATEFUL for my blessings instead of focusing on my shortcomings.

By picking the word GRATITUDE, my focus this year is to be GRATEFUL for everything that has been provided to me and for the healing that I have done for myself.  I know that there are days that are hard, and days where we feel that everything in our lives are stacking against us, and that nothing is going well for us, however, I know firsthand that even in those moments we can always find something to be grateful for.  

I can’t help but to reflect on the 6+ months that I was going through chemotherapy and although that was one of the deepest valleys in my life, it was impressed upon me that I needed to thank my body for the amazing job that it was doing to carry me through those treatments.  My body needed me to nourish it, to love it, to honor all that it was doing and to know how hard it was working to heal me.  I realized last year that I spent many years, not being grateful for the body that I had and not showing it kindness or love, and honestly treating it badly, and not just with the things I was putting into my body but more importantly how I spoke to myself and the things my inner voice said.  I have realized that we are one of the only creatures on this planet who has an inner voice and when we speak to ourselves, our bodies listen.  I now know that if we don’t show ourselves love and grace that our bodies will begin to breakdown, and they will not serve us well. 

I can’t tell you how many years, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “I’m not thin enough” or “pretty enough”.  For years, I was not happy with who I was on the outside, but more importantly who I was on the inside.  Like so many others, I hid behind a façade of a smiling face and bubbly attitude, but inside I struggled with my own demons and thoughts in my head that were not nice to myself, or to others for that matter.  I walked through life sometimes leaving a wave of hurt feelings and destruction to others, and for what?  To make myself feel better, to pretend that I was more important than someone else, or to hurt them before they hurt me?  Often my actions came at the cost of losing a friendship, or lost years with a family member, or loss of a spouse.  I spent countless years, looking at the negative side of things, instead of focusing on the positive.  I spent years publicly calling out the faults of those around me, and silently beating myself up for my own faults. 

I wish I could reverse time and get back all the years, that I spent putting others down to feel better about myself.  All those years had a negative impact on MY life, (hopefully) not there’s.  Today, I know that all the years of not loving myself, not giving myself the GRATITUDE and the GRACE that I deserved, and needed, did nothing but accelerate the damage that I did to my own body.  I created an environment within myself for cancer to grow and to flourish.  Today, I am acutely aware of how I feel when I put GRATITUDE first, as compared to the days that I don’t.  Today, I make it a point to wake up and thank God for providing me with this amazing body that has spent years suffering from the abuse that I did to it and yet in the moment that I needed it to – it showed up.  I thank my body daily for showing up.  For showing up to handle the chemotherapy, to handle the surgery, to handle the radiation, and the oral chemo.  My body showed up to FIGHT the cancer that had grown inside me because of the damage I had done to myself.  Today, I am GRATEFUL, for every breath, every movement, every heartbeat, and every thought that goes through my head.  I am aware of the moments when the negative thoughts start to creep in and I actively work to change my perspective and rephrase those thoughts to be only positive thoughts that will serve me well.

I am also acutely aware that I am not perfect and that even though I am diligently working on living an authentic life, I still make mistakes and I struggle with giving myself GRACE and forgiveness.  I am sure that this will continue to be a struggle within myself and for myself every day of my life. 

Whatever your New Year’s Resolution is, or whatever your word is, I encourage you to honor yourself by focusing on living authentically, speaking kindly to yourself and others, giving thanks for each moment that we are given.  Spend 2023, looking inward instead of outward.  Spend this year, finding your peace, healing yourself, honoring yourself, or finding yourself.  Don’t be afraid of the journey, or changing the way you think, act, or feel.  Just give it a try.  Try changing what you say to yourself and see what happens.  Try giving your body, your mind, thanks for all that it does for you.  Try giving yourself grace when you fail.  It’s amazing how our lives will change when our focus moves to GRATITUDE and GRACE.  I dare you to do this for yourself.  Pick your own word.  Focus on that word, honor that word.  By doing this I believe you will be surprised by how your body is receptive to this focus.  I believe you will find your truth.  I believe that you will find a way to love yourself. 

We are all we’ve got.  No matter how much we believe or think that our lives are the things we have, or the things we do, or the people in our lives (husband, kids, family, etc.), but, it’s us.  Without our bodies, without our minds, without our health – we have nothing.  Invest in yourself – the payoff is huge!  Love yourself!  Heal yourself!  You will thank yourself for spending this year doing so.  I promise, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Hugs and love to you all as you find your way forward in the New Year!  I pray that your year is full of health, great health, and blessings.

Xo,

Tracy