December 19, 2022

My head has been reeling since I heard the news last week of Stephen “Twitch” Boss’s passing from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.  I was disturbed by this on so many levels, probably like many of you.  From the outside and from what we all saw on social media, The Ellen Show, and interviews, he seemed to have it all.  A beautiful family – wife, and children.  A great career, friends, and a bright future.  However, as we know now, hidden behind the wonderful dancing videos, the interviews, and the smiling face that we saw on The Ellen Show for years, we know that there was a man who was silently suffering.  Silently waiting until the day that for whatever Godforsaken reason couldn’t make it one more moment.  That is the heart-breaking part.

Once I heard the news, I sat in shock and in awe, not believing what I was seeing on the internet feeds, TikTok, Instagram, the local news, and in articles.  I was beside myself.  I cried. I cried for this man that I had never met personally, a man that I had only seen on tv and social media posts and felt like I knew.  But the real reason why I cried is that I know all too well what losing someone to suicide feels like.  See, I have lost two people in my life to suicide, and I can tell you from personal experience that it is something that you will never understand, you will never forget, and you will always question yourself as to “What could I have done to prevent this?  What were the signs that I missed?  Why was I not enough?  Why didn’t he/she reach out to me for help?”  knowing that I would have dropped everything, EVERYTHING, to answer the cry for help and would have sat with them until help could have been obtained. 

Mano and I walked our dogs that afternoon, as we do each day, and I openly cried telling Mano that it just breaks my heart to think that we still live in a world where mental health issues are still NOT openly talked about or accepted.  I cried thinking about that beautiful man, who on the surface had EVERYTHING and yet at that moment felt that there was no one, NO ONE, he could call for help.  The thought of someone, ANYONE, feeling that alone is incomprehensible to me.  I cried thinking about the past year that I’ve been through in my life, knowing that I have spent the last year of my life fighting my ass off to live and to think that this beautiful man had life by the balls and yet chose to end it suddenly with no regard for anyone else in his life, but more than that, at that moment he had no regard for his OWN life.  How tragic and how sad is that??  Again, it’s incomprehensible to me to think about his beautiful wife, Allison, who has been left behind with 3 beautiful children to raise alone.  To think that he chose to leave this world 3 days after celebrating their 9^th wedding anniversary and (approximately) two weeks before Christmas.  It breaks my heart to think that those 3 beautiful children will grow up asking themselves, “Why was I not enough?” when in reality they were enough.  It was his demons that were too much.  Knowing that process all too well and those thoughts that pass through the minds of those left behind brought me to tears and it still chokes me up as I write this today.  I just can’t imagine.

 I have seen the videos that are going around now showing the last few videos that Twitch and Allison posted, happy and dancing away and I have also seen the videos that Twitch posted expressing his sadness and frustration about, yet another black individual, and I have seen the speculation videos where there are some alleging that something else is behind his death.  Sadly, we will never know the motive behind the reason why and at the end of the day, even if we did know, it doesn’t change the fact that a beautiful healthy 40-year-old man is gone.  It doesn’t change the fact that a wife is now a grieving widow and that his children are now alone without a father to see them grow up, graduate high school and college, get married, have children, and all those amazing and special moments in between. 

I want to share this, when someone is silently suffering and contemplating suicide it doesn’t necessarily look like you would think it would or will look.  In fact, in full transparency, there are more times that it looks like that person is fine – smiling and happy.  Often, they act the same way they always have, until they don’t.  In September 2011, my sister-in-law committed suicide on my brother’s 50th birthday, and from all accounts of how she acted that day, everything was fine.  In fact, from conversations with my brother they had a great day.  They had gotten up and had breakfast, went to a friend’s home, and watched the Tampa Bay Buccaneers play football.  They then came home, enjoyed some dinner, and then started to settle in for the evening.  My brother went in the back to finish watching a football game and my sister-in-law went into their bedroom to iron her clothes for work the next day, which she did, however, she also called her work and left a message that she wouldn’t be in on Monday, and once her cloths were nicely pressed and ready for work the next day she quietly headed to the garage giving my brother the impression that she was going to have a cigarette in the garage like they always did, but instead she took my grandfather’s pistol and chose to end her life.  There is nothing that can prepare anyone for this moment in your life and I pray that this is a moment that none of you will ever have to experience.  There are no words for the emptiness, the sadness, and the unanswered questions that are left with the family that is left behind.  No. Words.

Do you know the latest suicide statistics?  If not, I think you will be shocked.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reported that:

• Suicide is the 12^th leading cause of death in the US
• In 2020, 45,979 individuals died by suicide
• In 2020, there was an estimated 1.2 million suicide attempts
• In 2020, firearms accounted for 52.83% of all suicide deaths

The CDC reports that for every suicide death, there are:

• 4 Hospitalizations for suicide attempts
• 8 Emergency department visits related to suicide
• 27 self-reported suicide attempts
• 275 people who seriously considered suicide

Per the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, the 2020 statistics reported 16.8 veterans’ suicides per day.

I would like to hope that Twitch’s death, my sister-in-law’s death, that all these reported deaths won’t be in vain, and that our society will start talking about mental health issues.  These are REAL struggles, and they are different for so many people.   We need to start embracing these issues and instead of treating them as something taboo, we need to start discussing them and encouraging our family members, friends, neighbors, church members, and strangers to get help, seek therapy, to not be ashamed to face the demons that are in their heads but to embrace and encourage them and to LOVE them through the process. We need change and we need it NOW!  We need our insurance companies to realize that mental health treatment is equally as important, if not MORE important than our physical treatments for the common cold.  Mental Health appointments, providers, and treatment should be as easy as making an appointment at your local urgent care for your common cold.  If we can get to this point in our society maybe one day, hearing of a young man, woman, veteran, or teenager, taking their own life would be in the past.  What a world that would be!

More importantly, to anyone reading this, to anyone that may be in a dark period of their lives, for anyone who is struggling to make it another day, another hour, another minute, please hear me.  YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.  I promise you.  The moment you are in at this moment is only temporary.  Please reach out for help from anyone.  Call 988 (Suicide and Crisis Hotline) and talk to someone, go to the nearest hospital, church, bank, or gas station, go anywhere, talk to anyone, or just get help.  

One of my favorite authors Jen Hatmaker said the following about this tragedy and I cried when I read her post, and honestly, I couldn’t have said it better myself, so I would like to share her words here: “Beloveds, if you are even remotely contemplating leaving us too soon, please don’t. You are wanted and loved, precious and important. You are not a burden. You aren’t alone. We don’t need you to dazzle. We just need you here. Tell us. Say one little word and we will grab you by the hands and walk with you every step. There is hope and joy still for you. You are an irreplaceable gift to this world. If you can’t believe that, believe us until you get there. We will get there with you.”

Know that you are loved, you are valued, you are beautiful, and more important than you will ever know.  Please, PLEASE, hang on, get help, and know that I love you. To Allison Boss and those precious children, your family is in my heart and in my prayers because I know what you’re going through, and to everyone else who has been touched by suicide, I am sorry and I pray for you and your family as you pick up the pieces and move forward. To everyone else, I will pray that you NEVER experience this tragedy firsthand. May we find a way to love each other and take away the stigma around getting help for our mental health when needed. Going forward I hope you will open your eyes and be brave to offer help to anyone who comes in your path.

Xo,

Tracy

Supporting Article Links:

• The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – here
• The Center for Disease Control and Prevention – here
• U.S. Department of Veteran’s Affairs – here