October 9, 2022 –

I was speaking to my mother the other evening and I shared with her that I wrote my diagnosis story and she encouraged me to follow up that story with another blog about how the cancer diagnosis changed me and to share the changes I made in my life since receiving that news.  It’s obvious that a cancer diagnosis will change your life as far as what your daily life will look like moving forward through treatments, however, there are other ways that it changes your life, and that is the part that I want to talk about today.  I believe that what you take forward with you after the treatment is completed can be different for everyone.  The things I have learned about myself, my family, my friends, my stressors, and what I will no longer allow to affect me, have been huge. 

I have joined a few cancer patient support groups and talked with many survivors, and I have seen some people that completely change everything in their lives. They change the way they eat; they changed the way they think about things, and they begin exercising – walking, or working out.  Many take up the practice of meditation like I did, and most of us, quickly decided, who we allowed to impact our lives.  Then there are the others who do nothing.  They don’t change a thing.  They go through treatment and continue forward doing exactly what they did prior to their cancer diagnosis.  There are also others who are in denial, they feel helpless about the disease, often giving the disease all the control. Either way, going through the treatments for a cancer diagnosis is only one small part of this journey, the bigger, larger, and much harder part of the journey is “How do you handle your mental health during, and after your treatments are over?”  For me, there was another area that became obvious to me after my diagnosis, which I will share has been the “freeing part” of this journey.  Let me explain.

The moment you receive a cancer diagnosis, your life suddenly changes, and the focus becomes all about fighting the disease.  You will have more doctor’s appointments than you ever thought humanly possible.  There are also some unexpected moments as well for cancer patients.  Hospital visits you never expected to have.  Infections that you didn’t expect, and in the day and age of COVID, that is a real concern and a real challenge.  Your doctor’s focus is on fighting the disease, which they do well.  Recently, I’ve thought about the mental challenge of this journey and that is the thing that our Western medicine doesn’t handle well.  Providing mental health support during this journey, often this is something you are expected to find for yourself.  I am blessed that I generally am a positive person, so finding that inner strength was not a struggle for me, as it is for some.  I also realized very quickly that the “things” that I thought were important in my life pre-diagnosis, weren’t so important post-diagnosis, in fact, some of those “things” that you focused upon pre-diagnosis, and post-diagnosis are clearly seen as a “waste of time and energy.” 

For years, I placed quite a bit of importance on my job, in fact, looking back, I now realize that a large part of my identity was wrapped up in my job, and who, and what I was, was defined by that job.  The moment, I was diagnosed, that job, the one that had been so important to me for years, no longer was important.  For years, I also harbored resentment and anger towards others that have wronged me in my life.  Post-diagnosis it became clear to me how those emotions were not harming those who wronged me, but those emotions were clearly hurting me.  

Another thing that became apparent to me was that I was going to have to learn to put myself first.  As I said before, I remember turning to Mano and saying, “My cancer has just trumped yours.  As of this moment, it’s all about me.”  As a woman, a wife, and a mother, I had been conditioned to take care of everyone else first, my husband, my children, my family members, and my friends.  Like many of you, I was the mother who worked all day, then cooked dinner, often cooking two or three different meals for everyone in the home.  I was the mother who did all the laundry and had it ready to be put away when everyone came home.  It was my job to handle the schedules – all the schedules, not just my own.  It was my job to assure that no one ran out of (fill in the blank) – food, medicine, clothes, snacks, etc. As the mom, it was my job to make sure that the dogs were taken care of… feeding them morning and night, taking them in and out all day long, making sure they were taken to their vet appointments, and their grooming appointments, etc.  It was my job to research, plan, and book all the vacations and then assure that all bags were packed and ready to go on the designated date.  It was my job to review the budget and pay the bills.  It was my job to buy (fill in the blank) gifts – birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day, etc.  Once I understood what the next year of my life was going to look like with chemo, surgery, radiation, etc. it also became clear to me that I was right in my statement to Mano, it was suddenly and for the first time in my life, “ALL ABOUT ME.” Honestly, I can’t tell you how uncomfortable that made me feel, but it was something I knew I needed to make it through the next year of my life and boy was I right at that point, I didn’t even realize the full extent of the mental healing I would need in order to help myself. 

Physically, chemotherapy takes a lot out of you.  There are days you are nauseous and not feeling well, for me, there were more days that the fatigue just kicked my butt.  I remember working through the days and then laying on the couch for an hour, or so, while I ate dinner, whatever someone brought us or what we ordered, and most nights I was in bed by or before 7 pm, and asleep by or before 9 pm.  I remember the anxiety leading up to surgery, not anxiety about having surgery, but anxiety about the decision for surgery.  Wondering if I made the “right” surgical decision, even after I had the surgery.  The thing that I did not expect, was just how mentally exhausted I was as I relaxed at home during my 6-week post-surgical time at home.  I remember having more than one day that I would get out of bed and head directly to the couch, with my pillow and blanket in tow, and stay there all-day dosing on and off while pretending to watch TV. 

Mental healing was the part of this journey that surprised me the most.  Looking back, it makes sense though.  You spend 6-12 months of your life in some sort of treatment, which equates to “fighting mode”.  Eventually, your mind and body can’t do it anymore and you realize that you need some time to rest.  This is often the part of the battle that really takes its toll on anyone going through this journey.  Often patients end up even more depressed than in the early days of their journey. Now, I get it.  Our bodies, our minds, weren’t designed to be in “fight” mode for extended periods of time.  When we exist in that mode for long periods of time there are bound to be other areas of our lives that suffer.  I would love to see our doctors and medical centers do a better job of holistically treating the patient, not just treating the disease.

We are starting to see small steps in the right direction for this.  Larger cancer centers are now acknowledging acupuncture and meditation as important methods that help patients manage their symptoms and themselves.  Think about it, if you took the time to spend 3-hours a week, sitting in a silent room, in a comfy chair, just meditating, or hell, just by yourself, you tell me, how much better you would feel?  Now try doing that and listening to a guided meditation tape that guides you through a series of positive affirmations for YOU!!!  I can tell you, it would do you wonders.  I am living proof of how much these moments have helped me in my daily life.  When stressed, or when I have a headache, or when I can’t sleep, or when I need to reset my emotions or let go of my day, I now have the skills to take a few moments to love and heal myself. 

Breathe….Inhale…. Exhale….So, what am I trying to say?  In closing, the message that I hope you take away from this (long) blog is:

• Put yourself first.  Please don’t be afraid to put yourself first.  You deserve it.  Remember the instructions you get on a plane, you must put your oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else.  This is the new motto of my life.
• Love yourself.  You deserve it!  Talk nice to yourself.  Give your body credit for what you’re going through – whatever that is.  Praise your body.  Trust me when I say it listens.  When you start really loving yourself.  You will be amazed to see what your body will do for you.
• Let it go!!!  Trust me, none of us have the time or the energy to keep carrying that heavy load.  Let it go.  Give it to God.  Write it on a piece of paper and then burn it.  Do whatever will work for you, but truly just let it go.  If it’s not serving you, then it’s hurting you. 
• Forgive yourself and others.  Forgiveness is not for others, it’s for us.  I’m not saying to forget, I’m saying to forgive.  You don’t even need to let the person know that you are forgiving them, just do it, and then move on.  Forgiving yourself may take a bit longer – but do it!  Forgive yourself for whatever bad behavior you have brought forward, for the negative thoughts, for the hurtful things you’ve told yourself in your head, whatever it is, just forgive yourself and let it go!  Trust me on this one. 
• Weed your garden.  If it’s not serving you, it’s hurting you.  This goes for anything.  For the things we listen to, the people we associate with, the music we listen to, anything.  Often this task is associated most with people in our lives.  We all have people, often family, that are toxic to us, and yet we make excuses for these people and allow them to occupy space.  Stop.  Just stop.  Surround yourself with those that are lifting you up, not dragging you down.
• Feed your soul.  You’ll figure this out really quickly.  Whatever that is, do that.  I found that this blog, sharing with y’all, feeds my soul.  I also found that helping others, praying for others, lifting them up, reading a good book, meditating, and listening to my music all help me.   Find what works for you.  You will need it during the journey.
• Make plans.  Don’t you dare stop living.  Make plans for tomorrow, for next week, for next year.  You may need to pivot or flex, and that’s okay, but make plans.  Mano and I are meeting with a builder this week and starting to make plans toward building our forever home in Evant, Texas.  It’s planning for tomorrow, envisioning tomorrow, and having that goal fresh and alive in your mind that will provide you with the optimism you need to make it through the harder moments. 
• Be thankful.  Practice Gratitude.  I am more grateful today than I’ve ever been. I take time each day, usually in prayer, to thank God for all the blessings in my life.  I have more than I deserve, and I don’t take that for granted.  Not one second.
• Ask for help.  This one is hard for all of us, but everyone needs some help at one time in their lives or another.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You will have a ton of people who will ask you how they can help – and they mean it.  They really want to help.  They really do.  Let them.  Often, they just don’t know what to do.  So, once you know how they can help – tell them.  Trust me, I remember after my surgery calling a dear friend of mine and just saying, “Hey, can you make my family your tortilla soup and drop it off at my house on Wednesday?”  And do you know what, not only did she do this, but she thanked me for being specific and for allowing her to help.  Don’t block someone else’s blessings for you.  Let them help!
• Find your tribe.  What do I mean by this?  Find a few people that you trust who you know will be available anytime you need them.  These will be the people who will drop everything to take your call, listen to you cry, pray for you, or do whatever you need.  I am blessed to have a select few who have been part of my tribe for over 30+ years.  Your tribe doesn’t always have to be family.  It may be, but for some, it may not.  You choose who these people are.  I am blessed to have both in my tribe – family, and friends. 
• Be specific.  There will be moments when you need help, prayers, food, or whatever.  Just be specific.  This one aligns with people wanting to help.  Be specific as to what they can do for you.  Trust me, people love this.  I was specific on everything.  Specific about my prayer request.  Specific on what food people could pick up for us.  Specific on what days I needed a ride and to where, etc.  You get the picture.

Trust your doctors to take care of the disease because they will, use the above to take care of yourself and before you know it you will be sitting where I’m sitting – one year later, thinking of how far you’ve come and appreciate the lessons you have learned along the way.  You will be grateful, healthier, and certainly a heck of a lot more appreciative every single day. It’s my prayer that something in this post resonates with you and causes you to think about what you will do differently in the future. Much love!

Xo,

Tracy