August 25, 2022

Hi, y’all –

I subscribe to Insight of the Day (link here) where each day I get a nice inspirational message.  I have started my day with these for years.  I feel that it has provided a great platform for me to begin the day on a positive note, or good thoughts, or maybe even something to think about. 

This quote falls under the category of something to think about.  This quote has resonated deeply with me as I thought to myself how many times, I feel like I am swimming upstream against a current that I can’t navigate.  How many times have I tried to row the boat myself instead of asking for help or turning the situation over to God?  I can tell you how many times, too many to count.

I can remember situation after situation, time and time again, where I was rowing my boat against the current of my life situation, crawling into bed at night and saying “Lord, this is not the life you want for me, I just know that it’s not.  Please tell me what to do and I will do it” and then getting up the next day and picking up the oars and continuing to row against the current.  I can also remember times when it suddenly made sense and I thought, no wonder I’m not getting anywhere.  I ask for God’s help and then I let my EGO get in the way and I think, I’ve got this only to realize that I don’t and then have to admit that is my own fault.

I listen to Deepak Chopra while I meditate during acupuncture.  In the meditation “The Soul of Healing Affirmations” he says “EGO, E-G-O is just another word for edging God out.”  Seriously, doesn’t that just resonate with you?  He then goes on to share “whenever my EGO overshadows my spirit it causes tightness in my body.”  Have you experienced this?  I know that I certainly have. 

It’s interesting, that the sicker that I became with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation, the more I have learned about myself, and how to heal me, and by healing myself what I want to say is that I have finally, FINALLY learned to trust God.  To truly give my baggage over to him, turn the boat around, and let the current take me to the destination that is only visible to HIM.

I still struggle with “turning over the reins” (Thank you Mom for passing down the Type A personality), but I am learning more each day that life is so much richer than I ever imagined it could be.  Through this process, this journey, I have learned to let a lot (and I mean A LOT) of the shit go.  It has become so clear that there is so much stuff that we focus on, more like dwell on, that is out of our control. 

I have realized that I spent years, yes years, of my life carrying around baggage that no longer served me or had a purpose for me at all.  I have also spent years carrying around shame for things that happened in my past that I couldn’t change if I wanted to.  I have learned to “weed my garden” and remove toxic people from my inner circle.  I have learned to no longer allow my emotions to control my daily thoughts or activities.  I have learned to wake up each morning and start my day with a grateful heart.  I thank God daily for the things I’m grateful for.  I have learned that while walking in the mornings to pay attention to the way the air smells, to the birds, the squirrels, and the insects.  I have learned to realize that everything that surrounds us is unique, genuine, special, and created with a purpose.  I take pleasure in praying over my friends’ homes as I walk by them in the morning (you’re welcome, Wood Glen Hoodies).  I have learned to cherish the moments I spend with those that are in my life.  But more importantly, I have learned to give myself Grace.  Something that I rarely, if ever, did in the past.  I have learned (finally) to love and accept me exactly as I am – Xeloda headaches and all.

Now you can see why this Insight of the Day, really resonated with me.  It’s time for me to turn the boat around and allow God to guide the journey.  My faith is in him to carry me through today, tomorrow, and the remainder of this journey.  Trust me when I say that I know God has bigger plans for me than cancer does.  I am positive that I know who will win.

Xo,

Tracy