May 10, 2022

I thought I would share a recent photo so all of you can see how my hair is coming in.  It’s still a salt and pepper coloring and starting to show that it may have some curl to it.  I am loving the short hair still as Texas has decided summer is officially here and we are now experiencing 96 to 98-degree days.

As a follow-up to my last post, this one is going to be filled with the reality of cancer from my perspective.  Again, this is NOT a post requesting sympathy, calls, or texts, but a post for transparency for the feelings that are experienced when walking this journey WHICH IS NORMAL.  

I am doing my best to be true to myself and what I agreed to do when deciding to do all my own posts.  I wanted to use this platform to inform everyone of how I was feeling while on the journey, as well as a way to share not just the good, but the bad, and the ugly of what this disease looks like and how it makes us feel when we are walking our paths.  My hope and prayers are still that this blog will be a place that someone following behind me can use for information and see that all feelings are NORMAL.  Just breathe and take one moment at a time.  Sometimes that is all we can do.

Please know that this post does not show how I feel on a daily basis but is meant to share some of what I was struggling with last week as I face the reality of my next steps (radiation).

Here goes – 

When I received the news that my tumor did not have a PCR (pathological complete response) and that I would have to do an additional 6 months of chemotherapy, I honestly felt like I had been diagnosed with cancer all over again.  In the past month since hearing this news, I have experienced a plethora of emotions.  Many days, I go from being totally pissed off to being depressed and sad, about it, to then starting to feel like I accept that this is my path and then it starts all over again.  

I think the hardest part for me is that I thought that I was going to be done with all this in June after my radiation was completed but instead they have added 6 more months of stuff to deal with, which frankly was NOT in my plan.  In the grand scheme of things, see how selfish I sound here?  I mean, who am I to think that I have control of ANY of this?  Can’t you just see God sitting there shaking his head and saying “maybe this time she will get it?”  I can because this is NOT in my control.  NONE. OF. IT.  and yet, I still think that it is.  Hell, even I wonder when I will ever learn.  I am struggling to lean in, to give it all to HIM and see what he can do with all this.  Each morning, I wake up and I think, today is the day.  I am going to turn this all over to God and he will handle this but as soon as I let out my hand to let it all go I clench my fist and try to hold on.  Maybe tomorrow will be better…. just maybe.

On top of the feelings about chemo, I had a meltdown after returning from MDA last week.  I laid in bed and just cried.  Sometimes it’s just about letting it out.  Releasing the pressure so you can start over again the next day.  I shared with Mano that I am just tired.  Tired of being strong, Tired of having cancer.  Tired of visiting doctors.  Tired of being poked and prodded.  Tired of bad news.  Tired of procedures.  Just tired.  Tired of it all.  I decided that I don’t want to do this anymore and then I am reminded by my fellow warriors that these feelings are NORMAL and that I can do it because they did in the past and they felt this way also.  IT IS NORMAL!

For example, today I was texting with my beautiful cousin, Dina about the depression that I felt last week and I received this message:  It’s so normal to be depressed.  Let it happen.  Just BE.  Sleep.  Rest.  Read.  Watch Netflix.  Love on the doggies.    I am praying for acceptance that this is the new me.  Whatever God’s will is.  Not my will.  You and I have run circles around the average person.  We can relax and chill for the rest of our lives!!!  See it is normal, but knowing that you aren’t the only person going through this doesn’t always make me feel better.  It just makes me feel like I’m not going crazy.  So there’s that.

These emotions are difficult for me to process since I am not someone who is accustomed to feeling sad, lonely, or depressed.  Yet here I am, experiencing this some days.  It’s so crazy!

The other thing that I know is that when we are in these moments the Devil will use these moments as a way to create chaos and doubt for ourselves.  Last week, I’ve doubted the surgical decision that I made, tossed around going back and having a full mastectomy in spite of the recommendations from my doctors – I mean seriously – what is wrong with me?  These are MD Anderson doctors – the best in the world who have provided me with the best medical care so far and now I have doubts.  We all know that the devil just loves it when we have a moment of weakness so he can jump in there and just stir the pot and see how much personal anguish he can cause for us.  

I wish I had the ability to be positive and strong all the time but I’m human and that is not something I can sustain consistently.  For goodness sakes, I’m not Mother Theresa!  Slowly, I am working through my emotions.  Allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel in that moment, whether it’s sadness, anger, depression, etc.  I am also working on giving myself grace – yet another lesson that I (obviously) have not mastered yet.  

In these moments I am reminded to stop and say thanks for the things that I am grateful for.  It’s in these moments that I can then take a step away from the self-pity and start to see the sun shining through the clouds.   Thankfully, I know in my heart that God is still there.  He is still beside me walking the walk and carrying me when I don’t feel like carrying myself.  I know with his help, with his grace, I will get up one day soon and put on my big girl pants and continue walking the walk, facing each day the best that I can.  As Dina said, Just Be! 

In closing, when I was out for my morning walk this morning, my neighbor, a retired military gentleman stopped to chat with me to see how I was doing.  So as I was sharing the latest news, “blah, blah, blah, I had my surgery, the nerves in my breast are waking up and I have pains all the time, blah, blah, blah…” He stopped me and said, “Enough of that.  Really – how are YOU doing?”  I paused and thought, I think he may be the first person to ask how I was handling this and truly want to know how I was really doing.  So, I told him and instead of providing me some fluff, he replied.  “I’m sorry, this really sucks.  I mean REALLY SUCKS. I hate that you’re having to go through all this.  Cancer just sucks.”  He then proceeded to share with me a military term that he used many times in the past.  He said, “Have you ever heard of the military term called FIDO?”  Of course, I hadn’t, so I said “No, I’ve never heard that.  What does it mean?”  He said, “It means Fuck It.  Drive On.”  He continued to share “There is nothing good about what you’re going through so just wake up every day and say FIDO, and eventually you will be through it.”  I have spent quite a bit of time today, pondering over this conversation and thinking about what he said.

So in closing, today I will leave you with FIDO, because that just might be my new motto to get through today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next…. and in the moments in between, I will just breathe and rest and just BE!

xo,

Tracy