April 28, 2022

Hi, y’all – There have been so many random thoughts running through my mind lately and I thought that I would do a data dump here and share.  Who knows where this blog post will go but let’s see.

Disappointed – First, I want to share and talk about the fact that I am so disappointed that I did not have a PCR from my chemotherapy.  I mean, I knew that there was a 50/50 chance that it could go either way, however, I had it in my head that it was gone and I mean TOTALLY GONE.  When I went into my oncologist’s office and was told that there was residual cancer and they would be adding oral chemo for 6 more months I was SOOOOOOOO bummed.  I will admit, I’m still disappointed in the news and still trying to wrap my head around it.  Somedays I feel as if I’ve hit the point of acceptance (remember the stages of grief apply here too) but then other days I’m still sitting in denial and maybe even a tad bit of depression over the news.  On the other hand, in my typical fashion of “what do I need to do to get through this attitude” – I have already contacted Dr. Luepntiz to get the appropriate supplements to take while taking the oral chemo Xeloda and I have informed my AH-MAZ-ING acupuncturist, Yvonne and given her instructions to start preparing my body to fight the possible symptoms.  Yvonne says that I won’t have symptoms because we’re working on that together and I believe her.  I did so well on the other chemo so I have to believe that I will do well on this one as well.  The part that is bumming me out is that no matter how good I do, I know that I will still have moments of feeling tired and just not my best self.

With this disappointment, I’ve had moments of doubt and depression.  I know in my heart that this is the devil trying to work his way into my head to sabotage me and my progress.  I can tell you that I have really been praying for God to protect me from his lies.  This happened in my initial diagnosis and it was not a wonderful place for my head to be in.  

Healing – We all think that healing from surgery is easy, however, I don’t think that it is.  So many have told me to just relax and take my time.  Get rest.  Be easy on yourself, etc.  I find this to be one of the hardest things to do.  I am accustomed to living my life in the “fast lane” and resting, taking my time is just not in my nature to do so.  My idea of resting in the past has been to turn on the TV and while watching a show I am usually multi-tasking and doing something else – folding clothes, writing a thank you card, playing Wordle, etc.  Usually, I am never just “sitting and relaxing” – until now.  It has been very evident to me from the time of surgery that I was not able to do the things that I have done in the past.  I honestly don’t know what the heck I was thinking – I truly thought that I was going to have this time off to heal and while healing I would catch up on my Quickbooks, my filing, draw out my thought on the house we would build when we moved to Evant, etc.  Now in reality, I have done NONE of those things.  NONE – because I have no energy or drive to do any of these things.  Instead what I have done is binge-watched the following shows:

• Queen of the South – Season 5 (Netflix)
• Bad Vegan – Fame, Fraud & Fugitive (Netflix)
• Selling Sunsets – Season 5 (Netflix)
• Bridgerton – Season 2 (Netflix)
• Super Pumped 
• Anatomy of a Scandal (Netflix)
• The Thing About Pam (Hulu)
• The Dropout (Hulu)
• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 4 (Amazon)
• The Flight Attendant – Season 2 (HBO Max)
• The Righteous Gemstones (HBO Max)

What the above says is that I have been “resting” in my own way.  I guess that’s something. 🙂

Faith – Through all of the above, feelings of doubt and disappointment and struggling to heal, God keeps sending me reminders that he’s still in control and that he’s not forgotten or forsaken me.  On that Friday that I received the news that I would need to do the oral chemotherapy, I received two cards in the mail from a “friend of a friend” who wrote the most beautiful words saying:  “Praying our Blessed Lord will continue blessing you and wrap his comforting and healing arms around you through this journey…” and the other card had the following scripture quoted:  Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  The same day I received a text message from a work associate saying “We are thinking about you and your family today.  Sending love and hugs my friend.”  And even today, after an evening of prayer asking God to protect me from the doubts that Satan was putting back into my head, I received this email from a dear friend this morning saying “Praying for God to keep Satan and his prowling lies from you.”  I am always so amazed when God puts my name on someone else’s heart and uses them to deliver his message.  I mean – come on – some of the messages came from TOTAL STRANGERS.  My friend had no idea that last night I was praying for protection from the lies that were creeping into my mind and yet God still used her to remind me that she was praying for me to be covered and protected from believing these lies.  PRAISES for this – just doesn’t seem like enough but praises indeed.  

I guess what it all boils down to is that cancer and the journey throw a lot at you and some days it’s just hard to “roll with the punches”.  Some days, we just need to sit and feel sad, angry, and sometimes sorry for ourselves, and then we are able to get up and push forward the next day.  Some days are easier than others and some days just aren’t worth talking about but at the end of the day, I still know that I am a child of God and that he is still faithful, watching me, protecting me, and walking the walk with me.  And for that, I am so thankful because that NEVER changes.  

I will be okay – this is all part of the process.  I am looking forward to my MD Anderson trip next week as it will give me answers to questions that I still have about radiation, when is it starting, etc.  Prayers for safe travels and prayers that I continue to breathe through the process and know that I am not alone for HE is carrying me when I am not carrying myself.  PRAISES!

Xo,

Tracy