January 29, 2022

Just to remind everyone this week officially starts the counting backward week – it is actually my 7th dose of Taxol but it feels so much better to say that this week is dose #6 from the finish line.  Next week will be #5, the next #4, and so on and so forth.

I’m writing early today because, well, steroids are a wonderful thing that doesn’t allow me much sleep but amazing productivity for a couple of days.  I will pay for it on Monday as that seems to be my big crash day, but I have learned that you take the good (steroid energy) with the bad (tired Mondays), and all things considering I will take the muscle aches, the water in my right ear, my uveitis flare, the tired Mondays, the yucky chemo dry mouth and everything else over the nausea side effects that I experienced during the AC chemo rounds.  It’s all about perspective = you see. 

It’s funny, I struggle some days to think about what I am going to write about today. I wanted from the beginning for these entries to be not only an update on me for everyone but also a vessel which I could share my thoughts on so many different things – God first and foremost and how he’s not forsaken me during this journey, and my thoughts on anything that I am experiencing while on this journey, but also my thoughts on random life things (obviously if you read my nose hair or right boob/left boob blog) and well – just anything that pops into my head that day.

Yesterday, I listened to this TED talk that my TNBC Survivors group posted on Facebook.  The TED talk is titled “What almost dying taught me about living” by Suleika Jaouad and can be found here.  Trust me when I say this is worth the listen.  Some of the things she said that Suleika shares that struck me are when she talks about when going through this journey people start to treat you differently – she says people start to say that you’re an “inspiration”, they call you a “warrior” and a “hero”, and this resonated with me.   I know that many of you have used these words in describing me and my words and walk during this journey, but I don’t feel like an “inspiration” or a “warrior” or a “hero”, gratefully, I do feel like a “badass” but as my sister can attest to that was always a verb that I associated closely with, but I digress. 

My point is I am walking this journey not by choice, but by necessity, and as many of us who have had challenges in our lives thrown our way, more often than not these journeys are not by choice.  Many have experienced great losses and great challenges whether it be the loss of a parent – either by death or by illness such as dementia or Alzheimers, an illness such as Parkinson’s, ALS, or cancer, many have experienced the loss of a job, a marriage, a child, a friend, and the list could be built with so many more on the list of losses.  Anyone living this life has experienced losses, therefore, we are all an “inspiration to others” or a “warriors” or a “heroes” the difference is not all of us share our stories in the way that I have.  But if you take the time to listen to those around you, or just ask them to share their stories you will learn so much about the journey they traveled and the challenges they face and what they can share that will inspire and resonate with you, sometimes leaving you speechless wondering “How did they make it through all that?”

My stories consist of many heroic battles that I experienced before being faced with this cancer journey.  During my junior/senior year, we lost 6 classmates to horrific car accidents that touched the lives of everyone in Tarpon High and my town, it touched me personally as one of those losses was my close friend, Christina.  I experienced the loss of my best friend, Tammy, who had a tragic accident and lived for another year and a half in a vegetative state before passing, – I was 19.  I experienced divorce from my first husband at the age of 21, I worked 3, sometimes 4, jobs most of my 20’s to support myself, I had roommates, I loved and I lost friends, boyfriends, and family members along the way, I learned to rebuild relationships that fed my soul and to let other relationships go that were toxic to me.  In 2006, I lost my best friend, Julie, at 38 to lung cancer at the age of 45, gratefully she taught me how to live during that amazing 21 months that I shared with her before she passed.  I divorced my second husband, Scott in 2009.  My sister-in-law, Terri, committed suicide in 2011 on my brother’s 50th birthday.  My family has been touched by mental illness struggles and family members with drug dependencies and more tragedies than I have time to write about today.  

But at the same time, during my life, I’ve also experienced great love.  Love from my family, love from friends, boyfriends, past husbands, co-workers, etc.  I have been accepted by my heavenly father, God, and now know the greatest love I’ve ever known.  I have also experienced the most faithful love from my husband, Mano.  I have laughed a lot during my life, I have carried those when they needed the extra hand and I’ve been carried by others.  I am blessed to have a handful of faithful close friends that check on me often and who touch my heart and my soul in ways that I will never be able to share in words. (You know who you are…) and the list goes on.

What I am trying to say is all of this – the good, the bad, and the ugly have prepared me for this journey.  I am not sure that I am an “inspiration”, a “warrior”, or a “hero” and I’m not sure that I am deserving of those titles because, in my past, I have also caused pain to those I love,  obviously, I have two ex-husbands y’all and because I was not always open to helping those that needed help.  I intentionally hurt some of my friends/family when I felt wronged or betrayed.  I’m sure that I’ve left bodies in my wake more often than I want to remember.  I can assure you that I hurt myself more than I hurt others I carried anger and refused to forgive my past behavior longer than I should’ve and looking back now I’m not so sure that some of this has not contributed to my cancer diagnosis.  

Yet, I’ve also laid all of this and so much more at the foot of Jesus as I prayed on my bathroom floor in 2009, I asked for his forgiveness and I accepted him into my heart.  His grace poured over me and allowed me to continue living a different life than what I experienced in the past and because of HIS grace I am able to face today and every day with a much different outlook.

In closing, as much as I appreciate the labels, know that I am walking this walk as bravely and as heroically as I know how to.  But like you, each day, I get out of bed and I make a decision on what today will be like and I put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  I have my dark moments, although they are less and less as my faith grows stronger which I am thankful for that.  I have all of you who continue to cheer me up, and send me inspiration daily – you are MY HEROS, MY WARRIORS and for that, I say THANK YOU! (Praises, actually, I am so blessed).

Today Mano and I are heading to our 10+ acres in Evant, TX – found here.  We haven’t visited since before I was diagnosed so today we are going to LIVE and ENVISION what our home will look like in 4+ years when we build and move to live our next chapter in the country.  You see, I am living through all this, I am planning and betting on my future.  I can’t wait to be on the other side of this sharing those experiences with all of you also – because this blog will not end at the end of my cancer journey – it will continue through my living journey and I can’t wait to share that with MY HEROS – MY VILLAGE!

Hugs to you all and apologies for the ramble this morning.

Xo,

Tracy