December 28, 2021

Before I write this post, I want everyone to know that I am writing this from a place of providing an honest and truthful insight into what it feels like at times while walking this journey and fighting this battle.  I do not expect, or need, anyone to reach out to check on me, as this is merely a dump for all to read and understand that there is a not-so-positive side to this battle that we go through.  Being human, I too, experience days where the fight may seem too great or the battle is too long and that it would be easier to just give up.  When I started this journey, I promised myself that I would be authentic and honest in my blogs and writings.  Today the purpose of this blog is just to share some of the no-so-pretty honesty that I have experienced during this walk. 

Before I do, I want to Thank you all for continuing the journey with me.   Now here goes:

Lately having cancer feels like everything is being taken away from me.  I mean not my family, work, or friends as they are still there, however, it does feel like opportunities to travel (canceling my Thanksgiving and Christmas travel), to be around others (dinner/mani/pedis with friends), to connect with someone, anyone who is not a doctor has been stripped away.  I have thought about this as I think it feels different, harder maybe, than what other cancer patients went through in the past because they didn’t have the  COVID situation to deal with.  Since COVID is so present, so real, and the new variants are becoming so prevalent, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for us cancer patients to get out, to visit, and to be around other people since it is such a risk when you have a compromised immune system.  

It’s important to remember that I, like so many others, went from being “healthy” and seeing my doctor once a year for an annual physical and PAP to seeing (many) doctors weekly and having my blood drawn and monitored and knowing that somewhere along the way you went from being “healthy” to “sick” in a moment.  Honestly, it wasn’t even overnight it was in a moment.  It is truly amazing how 5 minutes (or less) can change the course of your whole life.  The funny thing is that I don’t feel sick, except for what the chemo is doing to me and of course, to look in the mirror and see my “cueball” head, as my sister said to me, and realizing that I am the cancer patient and wondering – when did this happen?  (BTW, Nicky I hope it’s okay to share the moment that it hit you that your sister is a cancer patient. The cueball comment doesn’t bother me – it was actually funny).

I, in general, have a very positive outlook on life and for the most part, I see the glass as half full and refillable, but this disease, this cancer, has challenged even me on more than one occasion.  What do I struggle with, you ask??? The list seems endless some days.  Today I will provide a data dump on what goes through my mind and I’m sure others who suffer from cancer and are in the midst of the battle:

• Questioning your mortality – wondering when this battle is over, will it be worth it or will cancer come back?  (I hear this is something that may never go away – although again, my faith is strong).
• Exhaustion – trying to understand when did I become so tired and how to do I fight my way back? Having been someone who operated at the speed of light, it’s hard to figure out how to operate like a snail when that is not in your nature.
• Positivity – remaining positive on the days you don’t feel so positive.  This one can be a struggle.  I have great support so thankfully this is NOT a daily struggle for me but sometimes it is.
• Negativity – figuring out ways to replace the DOUBT with FAITH.  Again, this can be a black hole that consumes you if you let it.  I don’t struggle with this much (a little) because it’s not in my character but there are moments when you just want to throw your hands in the air and say – F$$K IT – I give up.
• Feeling alone – not lonely, but truly feeling alone. Sometimes it feels that you are the only person in this battle and the only one that can understand the feelings inside. There are others who have been there and others who have journeyed the road before you, AND YOU KNOW THAT, however you still feel alone.
• Realizing that “Chemo Brain” is a REAL thing – trying to figure out when did your words escape you and where did they go?  How crazy is it that one day you could speak in complete sentences and today you don’t know the word for the pantry – and you call it that closet thing over there in the kitchen?  What??? I have a college degree y’all – what is happening to me??
• Grace – we all struggle with giving ourselves grace.  We may give grace to others but to ourselves now that is usually a harder battle.  I am learning to give myself grace ALL. THE. TIME.  Grace that I can’t stay up at night past 9 pm (and that’s pushing it), grace that I am tired all the time, grace that I couldn’t remember the name of the pantry, grace that I can’t go anywhere or do anything right now, grace that my son can’t have friends over because I can’t be exposed to one rogue germ, etc., etc. – You get the picture.
• Wondering who you will be when this is over – is a big one.  Through the experience, there is no way that you can possibly be the same person when this is over.  So who will you be?  What will your purpose be going forward?  What will your relationships look like?  So many unknowns.
• Changing perspective on what is “valuable” to you now.  This is a big one.  At that one moment when your life changed and you heard the word cancer that Louis Vuitton purse, those diamond earrings, that house you live in, the fancy clothes you wear, the car you drive, the job you have, etc. suddenly are no longer as valuable or prestigious as you once thought they were.  It is true that the people in your life, even those you thought didn’t matter – suddenly do.
• Weeding your garden – this is another big one. When you are in the battle – in the valley, anyone, and I mean anyone (family/friend/foe) that is not one your team is no longer needed.  Being diagnosed with cancer allows you to weed your garden.  To remove anyone who is toxic to you and not on your team.  It becomes clear quickly who your village is and who is not part of that village.  Your energy needs to be focused on all things positive, on the battle at hand, and who is walking alongside you on that battlefield, anyone else is excused and excluded from your life quickly.   You see clearly those that are no longer worthy of your time or energy.  This is a freedom like no other that you’ve experienced in your life before.  Truly freeing.  So this may not be one of the crazy bad things that cancer brings to my life. 

I hope that this post gives you all some perspective on a couple of things. First, I am human, and having these doubtful, sad feelings, and emotions is NORMAL and OKAY.  I wouldn’t be okay if I didn’t think about these things or question them once in a while.  Second, Cancer is real and it’s scary and ugly and unknown.  No one who has been diagnosed with cancer ever thought they would get cancer – they just didn’t.  Every one of us must figure out how to LIVE WITH CANCER and that is the challenge.  But LIVE is what we do – every day.  Lastly, I hope you all appreciate my honesty as I didn’t want this whole blog to be all up and no mentions of the downs.  Life is full of them – Ups and Downs.  The same as this journey is for me.  The road feels long, but I know, in reality, the road is not as long as it feels to me today.    

Thank you for allowing me to be authentic, real, and honest!  I needed to dump this here today and so there is it. I am giving myself the grace to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with you all.  Thank you for listening as I stated earlier there is nothing I need or you can do but listen.  So thanks for that.

Now, I am off to acupuncture, then dinner, and then bed.  As stated earlier, 9 pm comes quickly these days.

Xo,

Tracy