December 3, 2021

Morning y’all,

I have to give it to my prayer warriors, y’all must be working overtime because I woke up today with too many, many beautiful text messages and NO anxiety, and to top it off my favorite nurse, Brandi is my chemo nurse today. Yeah!  Brandi started this journey with me and today we will finish this AC journey together!!! What a blessing – and just another thing that puts my anxiety to rest today.  Praises!!!!

I want to be real with everyone and tell a story of a meltdown that I had this week so that you all can see I’m not always this positive, Sometimes, as much I as try to stay in the positive headspace there are some days that its a challenge.  So here goes:

This year Mano and I had planned for a trip to Sedona with our friends Tabitha and Bob and to visit my AZ peeps (Brian, DJ, Rob, Geno, and Amber) over Thanksgiving and we had also planned to be home with my family over Christmas in Florida.  I was going to work from Florida and spend the weekends and evenings with family but cancer had other plans.  Although disappointed, I have rolled with the punches on these trips telling myself that there is always next year.  God willing, I will be through this sometime around summer next year and may be able to actually visit friends and family in the October timeframe.  Fingers crossed.  (Side note – for those who don’t remember we went home last year because my mom was having back surgery in December, but mid-flight she was diagnosed with COVID thus changing the direction of the trip.  Mano and I stayed in AirBnB’s and saw my folks on Xmas day from across the room.  I did go home in January after she did have her surgery but we haven’t seen them since last January – that is a long time folk!!!)

The one that killed me this week is that I will be missing seeing Hamilton this year.  As part of my Broadway Across Austin season tickets this year Hamilton is one of the shows and I thought what a wonderful Christmas gift this would be if our son, Nick, and his girlfriend, Ava, could go with us for an early Christmas gift and celebration.  The plan was for Mano and myself to take them to see the show (a Sunday matinee) and then grab Christian and Tanner and take them for a nice dinner.   The tickets are on my chemo off a week which seems good, right?  Not exactly that is also the day that my WBC (white blood cells) always decide to take a vacation and dump super low.  In fact, if you recall last time there was a big flag at the doctors where that little number had a red flag flashing “critical” next to the number.  So last meeting with my doctor I spoke to them about going with an N95 mask, double masking, or whatever I can do, and as any good doctor does they did not say that I CAN’T go but they highly recommend that I not go because even with an N95 mask there are other considerations being around others who may not be vaccinated, not as cleanly with washing hands, etc.  So based on that and my overall good judgment – I am not going – which is breaking my heart.  My wonderful husband, Mano (begrudgingly) is going with the kids and family (we are hoping that Aunt Vickie will go with Mano for her birthday as it is AH-MAZ-ING to see live).  I even think that Mano will find the experience of seeing this masterpiece live on stage better than the forced watching on the living room couch.  (Fingers crossed y’all or I will never hear the end of it….. but I digress).

So as you can see, I am human.  I DO get upset at times with the cancer card I was dealt that is taking away some of the joy in my life.  I do sometimes, rarely, but sometimes pull the poor me card out of my pocket and throw it on the counter to all who are around to see.  This week my Texas bestie, Cory, was the unfortunate soul where my emotions and tears came rushing out when I talked about missing Hamilton.  Sorry, Cory – but thanks for letting me have a mini-breakdown, I needed it.  Afterward, though I was able to put my positive hat back on and came up with a plan, which I immediately shared with Mano.  The plan is that next Sunday while the family is seeing Hamilton without me, I will be watching it again at home on Disney Plus, signing very loudly to my favorite musical (and crying through some of it as if it was the first time I’ve seen it).  I also told Mano that once this journey is done next year we will take a trip to New York to see Hamilton on Broadway.  I deserve that, right?  I’m thinking this is a goal for my birthday next year – cancer-free, new boobs and all! Might as well show the girls the Big City!!!  Or on second thought, maybe Chicago?? Then I can also visit some of my prayer warriors like my buddy Kim Goodwin – a win-win all the way around.  Either way, plans will be made as it’s time to start planning celebratory trips.  No more crying over what I’ve missed.

Thank you all for allowing me to share the good, the bad, and the ugly while walking this journey.  I appreciate your support, your positive messages/texts/calls, etc.  You are my village and I’m so thankful you are on this journey with me. 

This week’s praises:

• Meltdown over Hamilton – I am human! 
• Last AC today – I made it 8 weeks
• Amazing doctors, nurses, friends/family/co-workers/church family/etc. – thank you to everyone who reached out and is lifting me daily.
• Medical insurance and the advances in modern medicine
• My husband – who never gets enough credit for the double duty he’s doing while I’m going through all this.

Next steps:

• 12/06 – MD Anderson for mammogram and sonogram to show the (shrinking) tumor and next consult with my Oncologist there
• 12/10 – labs and PA visit to check the stubborn WBC count
• 12/17 – Taxol begins #1 of 12 – prayers that my body handles it as well as its handling the AC or even better

Current needs:

• Continued prayers and support for positive test results on Monday and continued positive response for my body and the tumor as I begin Taxol.
• I may need a ride to Chemo on 12/17 as Mano will be taking Tanner and Christian to the airport.  As we approach that date I will let y’all know – maybe one of my Hood Rat ladies can bring me in the morning?

Big hugs and love to my village – I couldn’t have gotten this far without y’all.  Here’s to hoping your weekend is amazing! 

Xo,

Tracy