November 19, 2021

Energy is contagious.  Surround yourself with those who inspire you to shine through the fog.  -Anonymous.

Above is my inspirational thought for the day from Bob Proctor’s site, which is fitting for today.  I am at Chemo already for AC treatment # 3 today.  I’m not going to lie for some reason today I have more anxiety about chemo today than I have in the past.  Not sure why.  I have a different chemo nurse today, maybe that is it?  I did everything leading up to today exactly how I have in the past.  I did a prayer session with my mother’s ladies group on Wednesday,  acupuncture last night, meditated while in acupuncture (almost fell asleep), had a great sleep last night, a protein shake this morning, prayed, etc.   So why the increased anxiety?  I DON’T KNOW.

So what did I do – sent out text messages to my prayer warriors – who immediately began covering me in prayers and guess what?  It’s working.  Here is sitting a few hours later feeling better and writing you guy to keep you informed.  I figure that you should know that I too am human.  I am positive almost all of the time, but there are some moments that I have to dig deep (and I mean deep).  During these moments I don’t try and sweep the anxiety away but quite the opposite, I try to find out where the anxiety is coming from, analyze it, feel it if warranted, and determine what it’s trying to say to me.  If there is something I need to learn from it, is it helpful (even some anxiety is), or should it be acknowledged and then put into a box or compartment that is “not helpful to me right now, but thanks for your visit.”  I think today’s anxiety is coming from a couple of different areas, let me see if I can explain.

• Comfort level – today I have a new chemo nurse.  For my past 2 treatments, I’ve had the same chemo nurse – and well, you bond with these people and trust them.  It’s not that I don’t trust today’s nurse, she’s just not the friendly face I anticipated seeing, maybe that is it.
• Steroid anxiety – that may be something to do with it also.  I am now pre-treating with a steroid on Thursdays to help fight nausea that I had in the past which may be providing some anxiety – who knows.
• Surgery anxiety – In January, I have decisions to make on what surgery and next steps after Chemo. It seems crazy to think that I have to start thinking about this now, but I do.  My prayers are that God will provide me with comfort and peace on the decision I need to make when that time comes.  (Note – prayer request here).  Side note and PRAISE – I had a great conversation with my doctor today about surgery choices which have given me some food for thought to think about and pray about.  
• Anxiety for the next week – Chemo weeks are actually the easiest weeks. They are the week that you feel great leading up to today. The hard week is the week after.  You feel amazing while on the steroids, pain meds, etc. It’s next week about Tuesday / Wednesday that all turns to shit (forgive the language) but as my boss, Heather told me a while ago it’s all cumulative – the exhaustion sucks, then all those fun symptoms that I talked about before starting again – dry and yucky mouth, achy bones generating those precious white blood cells, and did I mention the EXHAUSTION?  (I digress….)

So today, from this point forward, I am focusing on the PRAISES:

• I saw my doctor today – I haven’t seen her since the first visit. BTW – I have told you she’s amazing?  She’s about 5’ 5’ or so wears stiletto heels and is a complete bada$$.  I am in love with her. She is so smart, kind, and amazing.  She is clear and concise with her medical guidance and listens intently making you feel as if you’re her ONLY patient.  I have NEVER, and I mean, NEVER felt rushed while in her office or presence.  She acts as if she has all the time in the world to listen and hear you out.  You have no idea how great that is. Anyhoo – she gave me some good “food for thought today” on surgery thoughts.  The rest of the anxiety around this – I am giving to God. 
• My family – I am so blessed to have such an AMAZING support system.  Starting with my amazing husband, Mano, whose eyesight has not improved and still thinks I’m beautiful even with no hair and this interesting fat roll on the back of my head (I think that may be another story for another time but I did discover it last night – Good times).  My Mimi, Pat, My Pa, Larry, My sister, Nicky, my BIL, Phillip, and my niece Kendall – lifting me up in prayers, sending gift boxes, uplifting cards and so much more.  My son, Christian, who at 14 is helpful when asked – y’all with teenagers knows what I mean.  He has had to sacrifice friends being allowed in the house due to my low WCB’s and he continues to drive us nuts, as any good teenager would.  Talking about making you feel alive. (LOL).  My nephew, Tanner, willingly at the age of 18 came to live with his Aunt Cocky, (yes that is me and I’m sure a story y’all would love to hear in another blog).  Tanner has been so helpful – walking with me daily – some days fast, some days slow but always willing to go at whatever pace I can do.  Tanner has helped me clean out the refrigerator, prep/cook dinner, clean the pantry, grocery shopping, gas up the car, pack my chemo treats, feed and walk the dogs, and well basically anything I need, want, or ask of him, he will help.  My sister-in-law (SIL), Vickie, has been willing to do whatever is needed – from picking up fresh groceries from the farmer’s market on weekends to driving to south Austin to buy the healthy bread that I love from Great Harvest Bread Company (link found here, I get the Low Carb bread but I’m dying to try the Superfood bread).  My wonderful nieces, Kali and Katina, lift me up in prayers daily.  My Yia Yia, Mano’s mother – which for my Greek side of the family knows that no one prays like a Greek mother – so I know I am covered daily.
• My cousin, Sabrina, who has gone through this battle just a few steps before me, has been a source of information, support, and inspiration, telling me how to navigate these unknown waters.  Without her and her support system who has adopted me – Mary, Sarah and so many more, I don’t know if I would be as prepared as I have been.  
• My Hood Rats, friends, co-workers, church small group friends/family, new survivor friends (Heather, Toni, Jen P) – I honestly can’t tell you how I would make it without these people surrounding me – sending me cards, text messages, praying with me and my family, praying for me, waving at me while walking, smiling and cheer me on through this journey. All text messages, calls, cards, etc. warm my heart like nothing else, The quick text to see if I need anything from the grocery, to see if we need food, or ANYTHING – I love you all more than you will ever know.  Your love and support are so appreciated and are truly covering me and my family in protection.  Keep it coming!

It’s always important to remember your BLESSINGS in the middle of the struggle.  They come hand in hand if you think about it.  Without the cloudy days, you would never appreciate the SUNNY ones.  Without the bad, you would never appreciate the GOOD, without the struggle you would never appreciate the REWARDS!  Remember that always!  Take the BLESSINGS – the SUNNY GOOD days and reap the REWARD of the road you walk and CELEBRATE the journey.  It’s all worth it!

Today’s songs for the day are: 

• Queen – We are the Champion
• P!nk – Courage
• The Greatest Showman – Hugh Jackman – Come Alive 
• Florida Georgia Line – Sun Daze
• The Greatest Showman – Keala Settle – This is Me
• Florida Georgia Line – Confessions
• P!nk – All I know so far (this may be my motto song right now)
• Mercy Me – I Can Only Imagine
• Mercy Me – Best News Ever

Bottom line – find what makes your SOUL happy!  Songs, memories, praises – express gratitude.  It’s contagious.  Signing off now but know that I am so grateful for all of you!

Xo,

Tracy